Our Generation
by abbierena
Summary: AU. Alex and Olivia are two girls coming of age amidst the turbulent 1960s, but there is something 'different' about them that they have yet to realize.
1. Beach Baby

**September 1967**

Alex Cabot sat in the sand next to her best friend and a transistor radio. It was Labor Day weekend and the two of them were about to start their senior year of high school, so they decided to celebrate by going to the beach. Neither girl had any desire to actually go in the water because they both thought it was dirty and they hated the idea of smelling like ocean water for the rest of the day. Rather, the two of them went to the beach merely to lie on their beach towels and work on their tans, or at least attempt to work on their tans. Alex and her best friend Carol were what their peers liked to call beach bunnies. They were some of the only non-surfing, non-volleyball playing girls on the beach, but they still managed to get their fair share of attention from the boys because staying out of the water and straying from activities enabled them to look flawless as they laid out on their towels.

It wasn't uncommon for Alex and Carol to wear the same bikini in different colors and that day was no different. Alex had decided on wearing a red bikini with a matching red headband and red-framed sunglasses. Her lips and nails were red and even her purse was red. It was Alex's signature color while Carol's was pink. Together, they looked like a Valentine card, but nobody dared tell them that. Alex and Carol were the most popular girls in school and the most popular girls everywhere they went. They were both long-legged blonde bombshells and they knew how to use that to their advantage.

Alex and Carol had boyfriends who were as equally popular as they were. Their boyfriends were great-looking and stars on the football field; the type of guys that every girl at their school daydreamed about, but Alex and Carol had managed to snag them with no hope for their competition. On paper, Alex and her boyfriend Thomas seemed like the perfect, all-American teenage couple, but something didn't feel right for Alex—something she couldn't quite explain. She enjoyed kissing Thomas, but she felt as if she didn't enjoy it as much as he did. When she told Carol this, she responded with, 'boys are supposed to enjoy it more than girls.' Still, Alex had a feeling she didn't even enjoy kissing as much as other girls did. Other girls in her circle of friends were losing their virginity to their boyfriends and Alex still had no desire to go beyond the occasional open-mouthed kiss. She tried to tell herself it was because she was saving herself for the right man, but who was the right man and would he ever come around?

Alex laid on her towel in a daze until she heard her best friend start to sing along with a song that had started playing on her radio.

"_Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love."_

"Come on, Alex. Sing along with me," Carol insisted. Alex didn't exactly feel like singing along, but she didn't want her best friend knowing she had something on her mind.

"_When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue. When I'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter. My whole world could shatter. I—"_

The girls' singing was interrupted by a beach ball hitting the sand right next to them. The force that the ball was hit with caused sand to fly at them and stick to their suntan-oiled skin.

"Little help?" Elliot Stabler asked as he looked at Alex and Carol trying to pick little bits of sand from their skin.

"That was _rude_," Carol said angrily.

"Yeah, watch where you're throwing that next time," Alex added. Instead of throwing the ball back to Elliot, the girls just glared at him as he picked it up himself.

* * *

Olivia Benson watched her best friend's encounter with Alex and Carol and she tried her hardest not to laugh.

"Why are they here?" Olivia asked Elliot. "Shouldn't they be in the Hamptons or Martha's Vineyard or wherever the preps go during the summer?"

"Maybe they're slummin' it," Elliot responded. "And I thought I was rid of girls like that once I graduated."

"Please don't remind me that you graduated and I have to face the preps without you," Olivia insisted. "It's always the same, Elliot—year after year. Meg and Judy graduated and all it means is that Alex and Carol will be the new homecoming queen and prom queen."

"Maybe it's a good thing I graduated a year before you."

"What makes you say that?" Olivia asked.

"Because without me there, you'll stop being so dependent on me and find yourself a boyfriend," Elliot told her. "When was the last time you went steady with a guy?"

"Never," Olivia said and spiked the ball at him.

"That's my point, Olivia. We were each other's prom date, homecoming date, Sadies date…"

"_Okay_," Olivia said, frustrated.

"People think we've been going steady for two years now," Elliot pointed out. "It's a good thing my girlfriend goes to another school or else we'd really have some trouble."

Elliot's statement was the end of their conversation and he wouldn't bring it up again if he knew what was good for him. Elliot and Olivia had been best friends since junior high school and, although they spent most of their time together, they had never done so much as _kiss _each other. The two of them had a lot in common and genuinely enjoyed being with each other regardless of what their peers said about it being impossible for guys and girls to be friends without being attracted to each other.

Olivia loved that Elliot's girlfriend went to another school because that gave her the perfect opportunity to pretend he was her boyfriend when they were at school. Having Elliot around gave her an excuse to turn down the guys who asked her out on dates all the while not having to do anything physical with a guy. Olivia liked guys—or at least she told herself she did. She had kissed a few of them, but she was disappointed when those kisses weren't the way kisses were described in movies or pop songs. She didn't feel herself get weak in the knees—she didn't even feel the desire to kiss them again. The kisses were sloppy and Olivia knew it was only a matter of time before the guys she kissed tried to shove their tongues in her mouth. The moment that happened, Olivia would pull away and insist it was time for her to go home. Olivia knew there was something different about her, but she had no idea what it was or who she could talk to about her feelings. For now, she kept her feelings to herself and lived a lie with Elliot.


	2. Girl Watcher

Alex pulled up to her school's parking lot in a red 1966 Ford Mustang with her best friend Carol riding shotgun and her other friends Beverly and Joyce riding in the backseat. Each of the girls had cars of their own—cars that were given to them by their parents on the day they turned sixteen—but since they all lived in the same neighborhood they figured it was easier to ride to school together. All three of Alex's best friends were on the same varsity cheer squad as she was, so they were all dressed in their red pleated skirts and white blouses. It wasn't required for them to wear their cheerleading skirts on the first day of school, but all varsity cheerleaders had agreed to wear them as a status symbol. The varsity cheerleaders were the second most popular group at their school, second only to the Coquettes, an exclusive club in which membership was by invitation only. There were only four Coquettes allowed per grade and every fall, the four senior members would invite four freshman girls to join. Joining the Coquettes was like pledging a sorority; there were tasks to be completed and hazing was involved, but every girl who went through the process thought it was worth the effort when they were given a black cardigan with 'The Coquettes" embroidered on the back in white lettering and their name embroidered on the front of the cardigan. Wearing that cardigan was an even bigger status symbol than a cheerleading uniform and Alex and her three best friends were fortunate enough to have a cheerleading uniform _and _a Coquettes cardigan.

Alex and her friends waved to a sophomore Coquette on their way to their lockers. Another school year was upon them, but this year was going to be different—this year they were seniors and the school was theirs to rule over.

"Remember to have a few girls in mind by the end of the day," Alex told her friends as they were comparing their class schedules.

"In mind for what?" Beverly asked.

"For an invitation," Alex reminded her. "We want girls who are classy. Keep that in mind."

"Who needs classy," Joyce added. "We want girls who are pretty. Pretty girls attract dreamy guys. When we unveil our new girls to the guys, we want them to be alluring. Homely girls don't get invited to parties, remember?"

Alex was just about fed up with Joyce, so she was grateful when Carol spotted a potential member. "How about her? She's pretty."

"Very pretty," Alex agreed when she saw a brunette freshman in a pink dress and white cardigan. "I'll go talk to her."

Alex had _planned _to talk to her, but all of that changed when her boyfriend snuck up on her while she was with her friends. When he was certain that none of the teachers or any administrators were watching, he turned her around and started to kiss her. Alex overheard a sophomore girl say that she was so lucky, but lucky definitely wasn't what Alex was feeling at that moment. She felt as if Thomas was making a spectacle of her and all she wanted was for him to let go.

"We'll leave you two lovebirds alone," Carol said and winked at Alex.

"No, that's not necessary," Alex insisted once she was able to pry her lips from her boyfriend's, but she noticed that her friends were already leaving.

"I missed you so much, doll body," Thomas said as he held her close to him.

"I missed you, too."

Alex looked around and noticed that she had an audience. It was to be expected as a Coquette, but Alex wished for once everyone could just leave her alone.

* * *

"Can you believe those two?" Olivia asked her friends as they were looking at Alex and Thomas.

"Alex Cabot and Thomas Harrington—Roosevelt High's answer to Ken and Barbie," Abbie responded. "I'm so sick of them."

"Yet you stare at them," Casey added. "Is that jealousy I detect?"

"Shut the fuck up, Casey," Abbie said as she took a drag from her cigarette. There was no smoking allowed on campus, but Abbie didn't care

"Abbie, smoking stunts your growth," Casey informed her in an innocent tone of voice.

"Really, Casey? Does it?" Abbie asked sarcastically. "I'm 5'10". Does it look like I want to get any taller?"

"Jezebel," Casey responded.

"Harlot," Abbie snapped back.

Olivia just shook her head and tried to stay out of this. This was the first year out of her entire junior high and high school experience that Elliot wouldn't be with her, but she was glad she had her two best girl friends with her even if she couldn't handle them most of the time. The three of them couldn't be more different from each other, yet they just seemed to click. She had known these girls since elementary school and they had been together through the best and worst times.

Casey Novak was the voice of reason in their trio. She was the daughter of a World War Two veteran and had a brother who was currently stationed in Vietnam. She came from a military family that prided itself on tradition and all-American family values. Mr. and Mrs. Novak were strict with Casey, but only because they wanted the best for her. They made sure she was on top of her school work because they wanted their daughter to make something of herself—at least they wanted her to make something of herself until she was able to get married and have children. At that point, they expected her to stay in the domestic sphere. Out of their trio, Casey was the only one who they knew without a doubt would get married and have children. She had been with her boyfriend Tony since the seventh grade and, while the other girls were wearing their boyfriends' class rings, Casey already had a promise ring to show off.

Abbie was the complete opposite of Casey. She was a chain-smoker, a trash mouth, and she had absolutely no respect for authority. Her parents were country-clubbers who were never really around and she did whatever she could to rebel against them, but they still didn't pay attention to her. Abbie was smart, sometimes too smart for her own good and that usually got her into trouble. She was the only girl at Roosevelt High on the pill and that was because her forty-year-old lover was paying for it without her parents knowing. Seventeen-year-old Abbie Carmicheal was a married man's mistress. That bothered Casey and Olivia, but Abbie saw nothing wrong with it. Abbie had always been attracted to older men; she had lost her virginity to her dad's boss at a cocktail party when she was fifteen. Abbie wasn't sure if it was a direct result, but a few short weeks after that happened her dad received a promotion from that man. Casey and Olivia felt as if these men had taken advantage of her, but Abbie knew it was the other way around. She dominated them and could get them to do anything she wanted. Another friend of theirs had said Abbie had an Electra complex, but all Abbie said in response was 'Fuck Freud.'

"Can you believe we're graduating in June?" Casey asked in an attempt at changing the subject.

"Class of '68, doll," Abbie said and winked at her. "It's about fucking time."

With that being said, Olivia heard the bell ring, signaling that the three of them were late for the very first class of their senior year. Casey sped off, but Abbie and Olivia lagged behind. They weren't cheerleaders. They weren't Coquettes. They weren't even involved in anything, really. Rather, Abbie and Olivia were on the periphery and that's just the way they liked it.


	3. Kind Of A Drag

Olivia was grateful when Friday finally approached. Her week hadn't been as tedious as she thought it would be, but for the first time since before school let out for the summer, she had plans with her two best girl friends. Like they did every summer, Abbie's parents sent her to Texas to stay with her grandmother. Abbie and her grandmother didn't get along, but it was a way for them to get her out of their hair for a few months. Her grandparents lived in a small town that Abbie hated, but she passed the time by flirting with nearly every man in sight. Casey never left their little suburb except during family vacations, but she spent most of her time with her boyfriend while Olivia spent most of her time with Elliot and his girlfriend. She hated being the third wheel and she wished she could have someone of her own, but she had no idea who she was looking for.

Olivia's last class for the day was U.S. Government. She usually enjoyed that class, but as the final class before the weekend, all Olivia wanted to do was leave. Although they were seniors, her teacher Mr. Vance insisted on seating his students in alphabetical order. This seating arrangement forced her to sit next to Alex—Alex in her cheerleading uniform and Coquettes cardigan. Olivia wondered if Alex knew what the word Coquette meant and, if she did, why would she allow that word embroidered on her cardigan. This was the first class Olivia had ever had with Alex, so she began wondering what it was going to be like. She knew teachers were going to favor her—_everyone _favored her and why wouldn't they? The girl was perfect. Her red and white pom poms were neatly stored under her desk, her legs were crossed at the thigh, which made her pleated cheerleading skirt rise just a little bit and show off more of her toned legs—her legs, for some reason Olivia couldn't stop staring at them. The only thing to snap her back to reality was when one of the guys on the football team started playing with her blonde ponytail. It was put to a stop when she said she was going to tell her boyfriend Thomas. _This girl is hopeless_, Olivia thought.

Everyone was on their best behavior the moment Mr. Vance walked in the room. He was a young teacher—maybe around twenty-five or twenty-six, Olivia assumed. Elliot had his class last year and he often talked about how Mr. Vance made him look at the world differently, especially because most of the teachers at Roosevelt High hadn't changed their lesson plans since the early '50s. He was a breath of fresh air and Olivia enjoyed how he always started the class session with a discussion of current events.

That day's topic was the escalation of the war in Vietnam. Olivia had planned on staying out of the discussion until Alex put her two cents on the table.

"I'm glad the war is escalating," Alex began. "Something has to be done to stop the Communists. Communism is a threat to the American way of life. If we allow the Viet Cong to just take over South Vietnam, it's a sign of weakness and we, the American people, are definitely not weak. The more troops we send to Vietnam, the faster this conflict will end."

"Did your dad fight in World War Two?" Olivia asked Alex.

"I beg your pardon," Alex responded.

"Did your Dad fight in World War Two?" Olivia repeated.

"No," Alex answered with a confused look on her face.

"How about your uncles?"

"No," Alex told her.

"Do you have any friends fighting in Vietnam?" Olivia asked.

"No, but I—"

"Didn't think so," Olivia interrupted. "It's so easy for you to be in favor of sending more troops when the young men in your life aren't the ones who will be going over there. Your dad and his brothers didn't fight in World War Two and your cousins won't be fighting in Vietnam. I bet your dear Thomas won't either. The young men you know will never be drafted because they'll be living a secluded life at a university where they will preach their pro-war rhetoric all the while being completely clueless as to what is going on in the world. I support the troops who are over there, but I wish none of this had to happen. Bobby Williams died over there this summer and he was only nineteen-years-old. You probably didn't know him, Alex. He wasn't on the football team or the basketball team, which is all you care about. What the hell did he die for, Alex? For the American way of life? For us to prove our superiority to the Soviets? So you can cheer on Fridays and watch _American Bandstand _on Saturdays? Or maybe so you can drive around in your little Mustang that Mommy and Daddy gave you? Did you ever think about the hell that our soldiers face over there or what the Vietnamese people are going through as a result of this war?"

"We need to start today's lesson," Mr. Vance announced once he sensed the tension between the two girls.

"I didn't get to move for rebuttal," Alex informed him. "Why should Olivia have the last word? Her argument was merely an attack and wasn't grounded in any facts, whatsoever."

"Excuse me?" Olivia asked angrily.

"Girls!" Mr. Vance interrupted. "I want you both to see me after class."

The remainder of the class session seemed to drag on for Olivia and she caught herself stealing glances at Alex more than once. She was beautiful—Olivia didn't doubt that, but now she knew there was something about her that set her apart from the other cheerleaders—she had a brain even if Olivia felt her views on the war were completely wrong.

_Why can't I stop looking at her? _Olivia questioned herself. She didn't think Alex was aware until she shot Olivia a dirty look. _She caught me. She fucking caught me. Just don't look at her again. There are plenty of good-looking guys in this class. Why aren't I looking at them?_

When the bell rang, Alex and Olivia slowly made their way over to Mr. Vance's desk. They both knew they were in for something, but neither girl wanted to think about how bad it was going to be. Were they going to get detention? Were they going to have an extra assignment?

"Girls, you've given me a great idea," Mr. Vance told them.

"What kind of great idea?" Olivia asked nervously.

"I have an assignment for you," Mr. Vance informed them. An assignment? It was just what Olivia dreaded. "I want you two to interview each other and then write about the other's perspective of this war. Alex, there will be no pro-war rhetoric. Olivia, there will be no slander. Find out in depth what the other really thinks about this war and why. Keep it completely unbiased. Just present each other's stance. And make it two pages. Keep in mind this is a learning experience and not a punishment."

"Working with her is a punishment," Alex told Mr. Vance.

"The feeling is mutual," Olivia added.

"And this is exactly why I feel you two should tackle this assignment," Mr. Vance told them.

"Fine," Olivia sighed.

"And it's due Monday."

"Monday?" Alex asked. "Mr. Vance, I can't do this by Monday. I have to cheer tonight and my squad has practice tomorrow."

"Spare me the plight of the all-American cheerleader," Mr. Vance told her. "It's due Monday."

"We can work at my house Saturday afternoon," Alex told Olivia on their way out. "I live three houses down from your friend Abbie."

"I know," Olivia said and rolled her eyes. "I've seen you before, not that you've acknowledged me even when you were by yourself."

"Be there at three," Alex said sternly. "I want to get this over with as quickly as possible. "I have plans with my boyfriend Saturday night and I'd hate to break them because I'm stuck with you."

"And you think I don't have better things to do also?" Olivia asked. "I'm supposed to spend the night at Abbie's."

"So, we're in agreement," Alex began. "We'll get this over with as quickly as possible so we don't have to spend too much time together."

* * *

After a Roosevelt High victory on the football field that night, Alex went out with her boyfriend to celebrate. She had wanted to go to the diner with him or to a movie, but Thomas insisted on 'parking' with her. Their dates were no longer the way they were at the start of their relationship. Ever since senior year began, Thomas had been trying to get Alex alone. He was the only member of the football team who had yet to lose his virginity and that was his goal before the season ended. Within minutes, the two of them were in the backseat of his car and he had already removed his girlfriend's sweater.

Alex knew she wasn't ready, but she decided to take her bra off for him. Thomas had never seen her breasts before and he went at them with reckless abandon. Alex felt like she was being pawed at and she wished she could put her bra back on, but Thomas was getting a little too much enjoyment to even pay attention to Alex's reactions. When they were making out, he put her hand down the front of his pants and that's where Alex drew the line.

"Thomas, I can't," Alex said nervously.

"Yes, you can," he pleaded with her. "Just touch me for awhile. You're so beautiful, babe. I can't resist you."

"If we wait, it'll be more special," Alex insisted. She knew it would never really be special to her, but she hoped that would hold him off for awhile.

"We've waited long enough," Thomas told her. "We're the only couple who hasn't done it. You haven't even put your mouth on it yet. Come on, babe. Just do that. I'm at the point of no return here."

"No," Alex said sternly. "I'm not going to do that. Can't we just make out?"

"Making out is kids stuff," Thomas said as he handed Alex her bra and her sweater. "Put these on. I'm taking you home."

"But I want to spend time with you," Alex told him. "Did you only ask me to go steady so you could fool around with me?"

"No," he insisted. "You know how I feel about you, Alex. I'm just frustrated right now."

Alex never would have admitted it to her boyfriend, but she was grateful that he wanted to take her home. As he was making out with her, all she could think about was Olivia and she'd never tell anyone but she briefly imagined it was Olivia kissing her. No one had ever gone against Alex the way Olivia had in class and that more than excited Alex. Why it excited her sexually was beyond her, but the thought of Olivia was what enabled her to tolerate Thomas feeling her up.


	4. You've Got Your Troubles

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews and suggestions. They really help me shape this story. Oh, and thanks to everyone who has added this to their favorites and alerts. :)**

Before going over to Alex's house, Olivia decided to stop at Abbie's house for a pep talk. The Cabot family and the Carmichael family were in the same social circle, but they couldn't be any more different from each other. Mr. and Mrs. Cabot always kept tabs on Alex. They monitored her grades, went to every single game she cheered at, and insisted on meeting anyone who wanted to take her out on a date. Thomas was the only boyfriend Alex ever had so they didn't have to enforce that last rule more than once. Mr. and Mrs. Carmichael, on the other hand, let Abbie do whatever she wanted as long as she stayed out of their way.

When Olivia met with Abbie that day, she had a cigarette in one hand and a glass of Jack Daniels in the other. She couldn't pinpoint exactly when it happened, but her best friend had begun dressing like Nancy Sinatra complete with go go boots, a short dress, and more eyeliner than a seventeen-year-old should wear. Olivia looked down at the pants and striped shirt she was wearing and she suddenly felt out-of-place next to Abbie. If she felt this out-of-place with Abbie, would she feel the same way with Alex? Would Alex the Coquette be judging her? Would it even matter if she did? She kept trying to remind herself that she wasn't seeking Alex's approval. What she wanted was to dress appropriately so her time with Alex wouldn't be even more uncomfortable than she feared.

"Can I borrow one of your headbands?" Olivia asked as she sat on Abbie's bed.

"Take your pick," Abbie insisted. "My headbands are your headbands."

Olivia found a blue one to match the stripes on her shirt and she was amazed how a simple accessory could change her look and make her feel better about herself.

"Do I need eyeliner?"

"Eyeliner?" Abbie asked in disbelief. "You're just working on a project with Alex."

"_You're _wearing eyeliner," Olivia pointed out.

"Because I'm fucking Chet in about two hours," Abbie told her. "You don't think I walk around the house like this, do you?"

"If you like him so much, why do you have to drink beforehand?"

"Because it loosens me up," Abbie said and winked at her best friend. "He likes when I'm drunk because I become more adventurous."

"Abbie, he's forty and you're seventeen," Olivia reminded her. "Not to mention, he's married. What about that seems normal to you? He's a creep."

"Someday, you'll learn, Olivia."

"And someday you'll stop patronizing me, Abigail."

Abbie finished the rest of her drink in one gulp. "So, why are you here, Olivia? Please tell me this isn't about Alex?"

"It's about Alex," Olivia admitted. "I don't want to do this."

"I don't blame you. That girl bothers me. I have a list of over a thousand things I'd rather do than spend time alone with Alexandra Cabot. She's such a drag."

"What am I supposed to talk to her about?"

"The project," Abbie said matter-of-factly. "Just get in and get out. Don't try making friends with her or talking about your favorite bands and movie stars. She's a bitch, Olivia. She's not going to give a damn about anything you say."

With Abbie's advice still in mind, Olivia walked three houses down to the Cabot residence. Mr. and Mrs. Cabot weren't home, so the girls would have the entire house to themselves. Olivia began wondering where they'd work. If they were in the living room or the kitchen, that meant Alex wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, but if they went to her bedroom Olivia knew that meant she wanted to talk about more than just their project. Olivia expected Alex to look immaculate and she almost did if it weren't for her being barefoot. That was something Olivia had never expected from her—Alex Cabot could actually be comfortable. Instead of a dress, Alex was wearing olive green pants and a white blouse with a delicate floral print. She wore a headband not too different from the one Olivia was currently wearing, which made Olivia feel even better.

"We can work in my room," Alex insisted. "There's a record player in there."

She was going up to Alex's room to listen to records while working on their project. Abbie was wrong and Olivia couldn't be more grateful.

"How was cheer practice?" she asked as they were walking up the stairs.

"Oh, it was…cheer practice," Alex said and started laughing. "I'm still exhausted from last night."

"Roosevelt won," Olivia pointed out. "You must be thrilled."

"Thomas was," Alex told her. "I really had no part in it."

"You cheered your team on to victory," Olivia told her. She honestly had no idea why she suddenly had the urge to befriend Alex.

"Cheerleaders aren't important, or at least that's what Thomas told me," Alex said glumly. "He said it's the band that gets the football team in the spirit of the game, not cheerleaders. I guess I'm telling you this because you're the girlfriend of a jock, too."

"I am?" Olivia asked, confused.

"You're Elliot Stabler's girl," Alex reminded her. "Or did you two break up? Olivia, I'm so sorry for reminding you of a break-up. These guys are something else. One day you're their girl and the next they're sweet-talking someone else just because they think it's their right as football players. Elliot was always different from the other football players, though. He distanced himself from our crowd and we didn't always like that. There's still animosity between us because Joyce had a crush on him and he decided to go steady with you instead of her, but if I were him I wouldn't have gone steady with Joyce either. She has a bit of a reputation in case you haven't noticed."

"I know," Olivia said nervously. All she wanted was for Alex to stop talking about jocks and boyfriends long enough for her to get her story straight in case there were any more questions about her relationship with Elliot in the future. With Elliot out of high school now, she wondered if it was even necessary to continue living the lie they had created for her protection.

_So this is what it's like talking to a Coquette, _Olivia thought as she partially listened to what Alex was talking about; it was something about boys, Olivia knew that much was true. _I don't even know this girl and she's already gossiping about her supposed best friends and who they're dating. Just imagine what she says about her enemies. Keep to yourself, Olivia, and remember Abbie's advice. You don't know what this girl will say about you on Monday and you know damn well she isn't even going to acknowledge you at school._

Alex's room was just as Olivia had imagined it would be. On top of her bed was a red and pink quilt that she told Olivia she had made with Carol in a home economics class when they were freshmen. It was hideous, but Alex told her it had so much sentimental value. There was a state-of-the-art record player in the corner of her room next to a vanity mirror complete with her make-up and perfume neatly arranged on top. There were pictures of celebrities randomly placed on Alex's walls that were clipped from magazines, but what caught Olivia off guard was that most of these pictures were of women. There was Nancy Sinatra, Brigitte Bardot, and Raquel Welch. Olivia looked at the framed photograph on her nightstand and was surprised to see Alex with her cheerleading squad instead of a photo of her and Thomas at junior prom.

"What do you want to listen to?" Alex asked.

"Do you have Bob Dylan?"

"No," Alex responded.

"Jefferson Airplane?"

"No," Alex said and shook her head.

"How about the Doors?"

"No, but I have the Supremes," Alex said happily.

"Let's just listen to the radio," Olivia suggested.

"Good idea," Alex agreed. The first song that played was an annoying pop song and Olivia wished she just would have agreed to listen to the Supremes. Listening to music with Alex was nothing like listening to music with her friends. When she was with her friends they would listen to rock music or psychedelic rock while Elliot laid down and tossed a football up in the air, Casey and Tony made out, and she and Abbie would drink while discussing the meaning of life. There was never any dancing around to peppy music or singing into a hairbrush like she assumed Alex and her friends did.

As the girls were about to open up their notepads and start their interviews, Alex's phone started to ring.

"I have to answer this. It might be my parents," Alex told Olivia.

Olivia knew it was rude, but she decided to listen to Alex's half of the conversation anyway.

"Carol! Hi!...Yes, I'm busy…I'm working on the project, remember?...When?...Now?...Yeah, I guess….Okay, see ya."

"Everything okay?" Olivia asked once Alex had hung up.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry, but I have a Coquettes emergency," Alex said with a worried expression on her face. "We'll work on this tomorrow if that's okay with you."

"No sweat," Olivia told her.

"You're a peach," Alex said and gave her a hug. "I hope this isn't too rude of me. We'll meet tomorrow at three. How about if we go to Lizzie's?"

"The diner?" Olivia asked, confused. "Isn't that where you Coquettes all congregate?"

"Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?" Alex asked. "I'm not a social pariah."

"No, you're a future Homecoming queen," Olivia pointed out. "Aren't you worried about your friends seeing you with someone who isn't up to their standards?"

"Oh, I get it," Alex said matter-of-factly. "_You're_ the one who is embarrassed. You're afraid you'll lose credibility with your friends if they know you're spending time with a cheerleader. I'm not cool enough for you guys. I'm not with it. You think I'm a prude."

"Not at all," Olivia reassured her.

"Then go with me to Lizzie's tomorrow," Alex insisted. "…unless you're chicken."

Alex was practically daring her and Olivia was never one to back down from a dare.

"Okay, I'll go. How about noon?"

"Noon is perfect, just perfect," Alex said with a huge smile on her face. "See you then."

* * *

Alex arrived at her best friend Carol's house to find none of the other girls there and she had a feeling that none of them would be showing up any time soon.

"Okay, so there's no Coquette emergency," Carol told her. "But spending time with Olivia must have been a nightmare and I wanted to rescue you."

"I could slap you right now, Carol," Alex said angrily. "You know I have a project to work on and now we aren't going to get started until tomorrow."

"But she's so _weird_," Carol said with a disgusted look on her face. "I don't know what it is about her, but she just doesn't fit in anywhere. She's a football player's girlfriend! Why isn't she taking advantage of that? Why isn't she going to parties? Joyce says she is a slut and she cheats on Elliot."

"Joyce is a slut," Alex blurted out. "I know Olivia is different, but maybe that's a good thing. She's _nice_, Carol, and you rarely find nice girls at our school and she's smart. We may not agree on anything, but she's the only one other than me who speaks up in class and I respect that. I'm going to take her to Lizzie's tomorrow."

"You better not," Carol warned. "Alex, if you do that, you might as well quit the Coquettes and the cheerleading squad. You might as well drop out of school. We don't go to the diner with anyone who isn't in our group. What would Thomas say? You're supposed to see him tomorrow, too. He's your boyfriend. He's supposed to be your priority, Alex—not school or making friends with some strange girl. If you don't change your act, you'll never get a ring and you'll never be Mrs. Alexandra Harrington."

"You're unbelievable," Alex said and rolled her eyes.

Without saying another word to her friend, Alex stormed out of there. She was supposed to see Thomas in a couple of hours, but all she wanted to do was be alone. She was tired of feeling like he owned her and like her friends owned her. She wanted to be Alex, not a Coquette or a cheerleader or somebody's girlfriend—for once she just wanted to be Alex.


	5. A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You

While spending the night at Abbie's house, Olivia had let it slip to Abbie and Casey that she was going to Lizzie's with Alex to work on their project—their project that hadn't even been started yet. They warned Olivia against meeting her there, but when Olivia refused to listen to them, they insisted on tagging along for moral support. They promised they'd sit at another table and they had no intention of embarrassing Olivia. The two of them just wanted to be there so if Alex's friends tried giving Olivia a hard time they'd be there to intervene.

The three of them took Abbie's car to the diner and when they arrived they were surprised to see Alex sitting at a table by herself with her glasses on and her notebook in front of her.

"Someone please explain to me why no one calls her Four Eyes or teases her about wearing glasses when everyone else gets teased for wearing them," Abbie pointed out. "Do you think I should start?"

"Abbie, be good," Casey told her. "We promised Olivia."

"Is she ever good?" Olivia asked.

"Good is boring," Abbie told them. "I'll be good when I'm too old to have fun."

"Olivia!" Alex said excitedly once she saw her enter the diner.

"Hi," Olivia said nonchalantly, still trying to act cool in front of her friends.

"I ordered you a chocolate milkshake," Alex informed her. "I hope that's okay. It's on me."

"Thanks," Olivia said. "Yeah, chocolate's great."

"Are you two going to make out now?" Abbie asked Alex.

"Abbie," Casey said sternly.

"Jealous?" Alex asked. "I can be pretty, popular, _and _nice. I don't have to be a bitch like _you_, Abbie."

"No one calls my friend a bitch," Olivia warned Alex. "Let's just get this project over with."

"Fine with me," Alex told her. "I hope you didn't think I wanted to be friends with you because, well, why would I lower myself?"

Olivia had just about all she could handle from Alex. She knew they were going to have their differences, but she never expected Alex to insult her and one of her best friends. Abbie came off a bit strong and Olivia was aware of that, but it was all part of her humor, which is something Alex didn't understand. Still, Olivia knew that was no excuse for Alex to be so cruel to them. She had never imagined herself doing such a thing before, but she grabbed a ketchup bottle and a mustard bottle from on top of the table and squirted them both on Alex's cream-colored blouse.

"What was _that_ for?" Alex asked in disbelief.

"Someone had to bring you down to earth," Olivia responded.

"What are you talking about?" Alex asked as she stood up. "Abbie started it. You weren't even supposed to bring her. I didn't bring my friends! I was trying to be nice, Olivia. I knew something bad was going to happen. My friends warned me about bringing you here and I didn't listen."

Olivia wasn't convinced. She still couldn't believe ordering a milkshake for someone meant she was nice. Olivia knew Alex thought she was above her and, as long as she thought that, she saw no need to be nice to her or even work on this project with her.

Olivia looked around at all the Roosevelt students who were present at the diner. There were no football players, no basketball players, no cheerleaders, no Coquettes. They practically took over the diner on Friday and Saturday nights, but it was a Sunday and Sunday belonged to everyone else. Olivia saw the freshman students with confused looks on their faces and sophomore girls who couldn't stop smiling. Alex Cabot and her friends had made their lives miserable and, for once, they finally saw Alex get what was coming to her. Olivia knew some of them were living vicariously through her when she dirtied Alex's blouse and knowing that made Olivia wish she had done even more to embarrass her like the Coquettes had embarrassed nearly every girl on campus at one point or another.

Without saying another word, Alex grabbed her things and ran out the door. Olivia could have sworn she was crying, but that might have been wishful thinking. The moment the door closed behind Alex, every Roosevelt High student at Lizzie's stood up and applauded Olivia for what she had done.

"Way to go, Benson," Abbie said and patted her on the back.

For once, all eyes were on her but she wished it were for something other than humiliating Alex.

* * *

Alex stormed into her house and tried to run upstairs to her room before her parents could see her, but she had no such luck.

"Alexandra, what happened?" Mrs. Cabot asked.

"Nothing," Alex insisted, but she knew there was no way she could hide the stains on her blouse.

"You're crying," Mr. Cabot pointed out. "Cupcake, why don't you sit down and tell Daddy everything that happened."

"Okay," Alex said softly before sitting down in between her parents on the sofa.

"Who did this to you?" Mr. Cabot asked.

"Some horrible girl named Olivia," Alex began. "I was being nice to her—I ordered her a milkshake and everything at the diner and she squirted ketchup and mustard on me because I don't like her friend. She's so mean, Daddy. What's worse is that Mr. Vance is making me work on a project with her and it's due tomorrow. I tried working with her, but she doesn't pull her own weight, Daddy. No one else has to do this project except for me and Olivia—"

"Olivia and me," Mr. Cabot corrected her.

"Olivia and me," Alex said. "But, Daddy, you're missing the point. I'm going to get a bad grade in government because she won't cooperate."

"Are you getting extra credit for this?" Mr. Cabot asked.

"No," Alex said and shook her head. "He just called it a learning experience. She's against the war, Daddy, and I'm supposed to write about that."

"No daughter of mine is writing about some radical," Mr. Cabot insisted. "I'll write you a note to give to Mr. Vance. I'm sure he'll excuse you from this assignment."

"Thanks, Daddy," Alex said and gave him a hug.

"You're welcome, Princess," Mr. Cabot told her. "Now, go do some homework that actually matters."

Instead of doing homework, Alex hurried to her phone to call Carol. She had a feeling Carol already knew what had happened—word traveled fast in their quaint little suburb. There was no way Olivia was going to get away with what she did to her, but Alex needed a little help from her friends.

"Carol, we need to talk."

"I was just about to call you," Carol told her. "Word is already going around. How could she do that to you, Alex? I told you she was weird."

"I want to get her back," Alex said mischievously.

"What do you have planned?" Carol asked.

"Nothing yet, but it has to be good. Why don't you come over and we'll think of something. I am going to make every day a living hell for that girl."

* * *

"Maybe I shouldn't have done that," Olivia told her friends once they were in Abbie's car.

"No way!" Casey said. "That's all everyone is going to be talking about. You're a hero."

"But what if she retaliates?" Olivia asked.

"Alex Cabot?" Abbie scoffed. "What's the worst she could do? She's as wholesome as Ovaltine and she's so gullible, Liv. She doesn't know that her boyfriend fucked some other girl on Friday night after he dropped her off."

"What?" Casey asked in disbelief. "How do you know that? Don't tell me, Abbie. Please tell me you didn't."

"I did," Abbie bragged. "Trust me when I say Cabot's not missing out on much."

"How did this even happen?" Olivia asked.

"He saw me outside and after dropping off Alex and I waved him over," Abbie began. "I knew Alex didn't put out and he had some tension to relieve so I offered him my services. If I could make a forty-year-old and a twenty-eight-year-old beg for more, just imagine how I could blow a seventeen-year-old virgin's mind. I'm not even attracted to Thomas Harrington. I just did it because he was there and because I wanted to get back at Alex for fucking around with you in class. Thomas told me Alex has never even touched his penis before. Can you believe that? Is she afraid of it? It's not even very big. I wonder if Alex is even fully functional."

"Fully functional?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, do you think she even gets wet?" Abbie asked. "Or is there a desert between her legs?"

"The thought of Alex Cabot being aroused is enough to make me want to lose my lunch," Casey told her. "Can we talk about something else?"

"_Anything_ else," Olivia insisted.

Although they changed the subject, Olivia still found herself wanting to stay out of the conversation. Here they were talking about Alex while Olivia was just as inexperienced. Thomas was handsome and sought after by almost every girl in school, yet Alex didn't want to do anything physical with him, just as Olivia never felt the desire to do anything physical with a guy. She started to wonder if she and Alex were experiencing the same confusion—not that it mattered. She knew Alex Cabot hated her now and she was already dreading going to school the next day.


	6. 96 Tears

**A/N: Thanks so much for all of the reviews. I really appreciate them. I hope you all enjoy this (slightly longer) chapter. :)**

That Monday morning, the halls of Roosevelt High School were buzzing with rumors about what had happened between Alex and Olivia the day before. There were over a dozen students who knew the truth about what happened, but all it took was one freshman to embellish the story. Squirting ketchup and mustard on Alex wasn't exciting enough for him so he started the rumor that there was hair-pulling involved, but hair-pulling wasn't exciting enough for the sophomore he told, so he told his friends that there was hair-pulling and cursing involved. That rumor spread to another group of students and those students added the two of them slapping each other at the diner. Before the bell had even rang to start first period, students Olivia had never even spoken to before were approaching her and asking if it's true that Alex had slapped her because she pulled her hair and called her a whore. Olivia wanted to ask what they were talking about and who had told them that, but she had bigger problems on her mind. Olivia knew an attack was imminent; she just wasn't sure what kind of attack and _that _terrified her.

Olivia stayed close to Abbie and Casey that morning, hoping to find safety in numbers, but three wasn't a very large number and it was moments like this one that made Olivia wish she had more than two friends at school. Unlike almost every other student at Roosevelt, the three of them weren't involved in any extracurricular activities nor were they part of any particular category. They definitely weren't preps, they weren't mod, they weren't hippies, and they weren't activists; they were just in a state of being, or so Abbie liked to call it. There were five of them to begin with, but now that Elliot had graduated and Casey's boyfriend Tony had moved to the other side of town and was attending their rival school they were down to three. Casey was respected at their school and she could have been popular if not for her association with Abbie. Abbie was a social pariah, but only because she made herself one. Abbie had been asked to be a Coquette during her freshman year, but she told them to 'go fuck themselves' because she wouldn't 'lower' herself to being a Coquette. She received plenty of attention from boys at school and she found a way to use that to her advantage. Whenever a girl would give her a hard time about something, she'd get her revenge by sleeping with her boyfriend. This had happened twelve times, or at least Olivia had been told about it happening twelve times—she might have lost count. Abbie hated high school and every girl at school hated her except for her two best friends. With Abbie as a best friend, Olivia knew there was no chance of increasing their numbers, but she wouldn't trade Abbie for anyone. She loved her despite her standoffish attitude and her inane desire to sleep with married men and guys with girlfriends.

"Don't be afraid, Benson," Abbie told her as she leaned against the wall by their lockers. "Cabot isn't going to do anything and, if she does, just tell her Thomas cheated on her—end of story. She'll cry like a baby and be even more humiliated than she was at the diner."

"I know it sounds horrible, but I liked seeing Alex cry," Casey pointed out. "It almost makes her seem human."

"Do you think she put something in my locker?" Olivia asked, still hesitant to turn the dial on her lock.

"Like what?" Abbie asked. "Do you want me to open it for you?"

"No, I got it," Olivia responded. When she opened her locker, she was surprised nothing had popped out at her. All of her belongings were in tact and seemed to be untouched.

"She's not going to do anything," Abbie reminded her. "She's too afraid."

"Abbie?"

"What's up, doc?" Abbie asked.

"My diary is gone," Olivia said frantically. "Did you grab it? I left it here over the weekend. Why isn't it here?"

"Relax, Liv," Casey told her. "Maybe you forgot that you took it home over the weekend. It's not like anyone could have stolen it. Nobody knows your combination."

"You're right," Olivia said, relieved, but her relief turned to complete terror when she heard an uproar at the end of the hallway.

_No way! _Olivia thought as she took off running with Casey and Abbie following closely behind.

* * *

It was the perfect revenge or so Alex thought. She knew Olivia kept a diary and would write in it at school instead of conversing with her peers. When Alex told Carol about the diary, she insisted if they were really going to get Olivia they'd have to hit her where it hurts—they'd expose all of her innermost thoughts and feelings to the entire school. Getting Olivia's locker combination was easier than they had assumed. Her friend Beverly's aunt worked in the office and had access to every student's locker combination. All Beverly did was politely ask her aunt and Olivia's combination was theirs. They had to get up half an hour earlier to put their plan into effect before Olivia arrived, but it was worth it and everything had gone according to plan. Alex didn't think Olivia's diary was particularly exciting, but whenever she saw anything related to sex she knew she had to read it aloud.

"_I let Donny get to second base last night. What a drag,_" Alex read to her growing audience. "_He kisses okay, but when he touched my breasts I felt like he was tuning a radio."_

This senior named Donny was in the audience and Alex could have sworn she could pinpoint the exact moment he started hating Olivia. If she could turn more people against Olivia, this little stunt would be more than worth it for her.

"Read another," Carol urged Alex.

"Gladly," Alex told Carol. She flipped a few pages until she found an entry from Friday. "Oh, this was written in Mr. Vance's class. _I'm tired of living a lie_. _I have everyone fooled with an on again off again relationship with Elliot that the two of us have fabricated to save face. Elliot has a girlfriend at another school, so it works out just fine for me. I have no desire to date guys. Abbie says it's because I don't like high school boys, but I know it has to be more than that. I just don't know what's wrong with me or if anything is wrong with me at all. Maybe this is normal. I just can't stop staring at Al—_and that's where I stop reading this."

"Al?" Carol asked in disbelief. "She has a crush on Albert? He's out of her league, not to mention he's already going steady with Jody."

Olivia had written about not being able to stop staring at Alex and Alex had read every word Olivia had written about her cheerleading skirt and how her sweater had hugged her in all of the right places. She could do some damage with this—she could possibly ruin Olivia beyond belief, but she decided against it. She closed the diary and gripped it as tight as she could so nobody could pry it from her.

"Yeah, she has a crush on Albert," Alex said sheepishly.

"Read another one, beautiful," Thomas told her and the rest of the growing crowd started cheering her on.

"No," Alex insisted. "The bell is going to ring soon."

"Come on, babe," Thomas pleaded.

"Shut up," Alex told him and turned around to walk away.

When Olivia approached the crowd, she knew it was too late; the damage had already been done. She didn't know exactly what had been read, but by the judgmental look of her classmates, she knew Alex had exposed her secrets.

_She has the audacity to just walk away so calmly after reading my diary to everyone? Not happening._

Olivia didn't know what had come over her, but she took off at full speed toward Alex and knocked her down from behind. Olivia was so enraged that she had no idea what she was going to do next, but she knew she still had to make Alex pay. When Olivia noticed Alex wasn't fighting back, she got off of her and a crying Alex immediately turned around. There were a few drops of blood on the floor and Alex cried even more when she put her fingers to her lips and felt the warm blood quickly pooling at the surface.

"Please don't hurt me," she pleaded with Olivia. She looked so fragile, so helpless. At that moment, Olivia couldn't even dream of hurting her more regardless of what she had done.

"What the hell did you do to her?" Thomas asked Olivia once everyone had caught up to them. He tried to help her up, but Alex pushed him away.

"Don't touch me!" she said angrily. "Stay away from me, Thomas!"

Olivia didn't know what would come of it, but she decided to do what Thomas couldn't—she helped a now hysterical Alex to her feet.

"Everyone, please leave," Alex said, trying to say the least amount of words possible because every movement of her mouth hurt her.

Luckily, the bell cleared the crowd, including Abbie and Casey. Alex and Olivia were left alone and neither of them knew what to do. Alex had calmed down, but she knew something had to be done about her lip. _Where is the administration in all of this? _She thought. _Our principal should have never let it get to this point._

"I'm sorry," Olivia mumbled.

"It's okay," Alex told her.

"No, it's not," Olivia insisted.

"I was a bitch to you, Olivia."

"We can talk later," Olivia told her. "I've noticed the more your mouth moves, the more you bleed. Let's get you to a doctor. I'll drive you. Do you have your keys with you?"

All Alex could do was nod and gesture to her purse. The two of them left the campus completely unnoticed and Olivia was in total disbelief of where her day had taken her. She had arrived on campus that morning afraid of Alex and now she was sitting in the driver's seat of Alex's Mustang on the way to the hospital. They rode there in complete silence because Olivia didn't want to make Alex speak. The pain was increasing and Olivia was torn between feeling bad for her and feeling as if Alex had deserved it for reading her diary aloud. While Alex was getting her lip stitched, Olivia started re-reading everything she had written. Most of it wasn't too interesting until she reached the most recent entry.

_Did Alex read this? Please don't tell me she read this. What if she thinks I'm perverted for looking at her? That can't be. If she thought that about me, she wouldn't have gotten in the car with me. But she knows! She knows I was looking at her that day! She knows I think she's beautiful! So what? Everyone thinks she's beautiful. That's why she's so popular, but this is different. She knows this is different._

"I'm finished," Alex whispered as she tried hiding her lip with her hand. Olivia gently grabbed her wrist and moved her hand away from her lip. There she was—the most popular and most beautiful girl in school—with a stitched and swollen lower lip. How was Alex going to explain that to her parents? Homecoming was quickly approaching and Olivia knew Mr. and Mrs. Cabot wouldn't want that to prevent their daughter from winning the title of Homecoming Queen.

"It's not so bad," Olivia said reassuringly.

"I'm ugly," Alex said and started crying.

Olivia wanted to tell her that she could never be ugly no matter what happened to her, but she knew that was out of line. And why would she want to tell her that? She hated Alex or at least she tried hating Alex. _This girl read my diary out loud to all of her friends. She doesn't deserve my pity._

"I'm going home," Alex told her, finally feeling capable of driving. "I don't want anyone seeing me like this. Can you keep me company? I don't want to be alone."

"But I'm the one who busted your lip," Olivia pointed out. "Why do you want to spend time with me?"

"We need to talk," Alex insisted. They were four little words that Olivia was afraid of but she decided to go to Alex's house anyway. The two of them had so much to talk about; the diary, Abbie sleeping with Thomas, both of which were dreaded subjects for Olivia and she didn't know which was worse. As they were entering Alex's house, she decided she wasn't going to tell her about Thomas, which only left the diary to talk about. Perhaps it was for the best. The situation with Thomas was none of Olivia's business, she thought, and the diary gave them enough to talk about.


	7. Tell It Like It Is

Before leading Olivia up to her room, Alex quickly walked over to the kitchen and poured two glasses of chocolate milk for the two of them. She hoped Olivia didn't think it was juvenile, but the chocolate milk was going to serve as a comfort drink for her although she wasn't sure how she was going to drink it. Using a straw was out of the question because the suction might bust her stitches and holding a glass to her lips sounded just as unpleasant, so Alex grabbed a spoon and decided to spoon the chocolate milk into her mouth.

"I hope you like chocolate milk," Alex said, trying her hardest not to smile because smiling was torturous for her stitches.

"I love chocolate milk," Olivia said as she grabbed one of the glasses Alex had extended to her. "As long as it's not a chocolate milkshake. Remember what happened last time you offered me a chocolate milkshake."

"No chocolate milkshakes for us, but definitely no ketchup and mustard," Alex teased. She started to smile and immediately felt a stinging in her lips.

"No smiling," Olivia pointed out. "I don't want you busting those stitches."

Hearing how concerned Olivia was made Alex smile again. "Ow."

"Told you," Olivia responded. She tried not to smile because she knew it would make Alex smile, but it was no use. "So, what did you want to talk about? I know it's not going to be a regular gab fest."

"Your diary," Alex blurted out. "I'm really sorry, Olivia. There was some personal information in there and I had no business reading it."

_And now I know you look at me the way my boyfriend looks at me._

Alex waited for an explanation from Olivia, but she knew there was no way for Olivia to explain what she had written. Olivia wasn't cryptic; her words were as plain as day. She stared at Alex in class and she _liked_ staring at Alex in class. She liked the way she was shaped, the way her clothes looked on her, but what Alex wanted to know was how and why.

"I didn't mean anything I wrote," Olivia said as seriously as she could. "I was just bored in class and started writing. I don't look at you like that—or any girl like that. I only look at boys and kiss boys."

Alex could see right through Olivia's lie, but she had no idea how to go about having this conversation with her. She wanted to tell Olivia that she knew what she was going through and she was just as confused, but she was afraid of Olivia misunderstanding her or getting angry with her.

"Olivia, it's okay."

"What's okay?" Olivia asked with a confused expression on her face.

"It's okay to be confused," Alex said nervously. "I'm confused, too."

Olivia tried to play it off as if she had no idea what Alex was talking about. "Confused about what?"

"About boys."

"Every girl is confused about boys," Olivia said matter-of-factly.

Alex took a deep breath and prepared for her confession. "I don't know what's happening with me. Thomas wants to have sex and I don't want to."

"So?" Olivia asked. "What's the problem? A lot of girls our age aren't ready to have sex. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with them."

Alex wished she could drop the subject, but she desperately wanted Olivia to admit she had the same thoughts and fears. Ever since she had become Thomas's girlfriend, she had a feeling something was wrong with her, something she couldn't talk to anyone about. Olivia knew what it was like not to want a physical relationship with a boy and she was hoping she had found someone to confide in, but Olivia either wasn't ready or wasn't willing to say anything to Alex.

Alex nervously looked around her living room where the two of them were sitting. She noticed the longer their conversation went on, the further she moved away from Olivia on the couch. _I'm just as uncomfortable as she is. I should just come clean. Come clean, Alex. You're being such a drag right now._

"I look at girls sometimes," Alex confessed. Once she saw Olivia's mouth hang open, she wished she could have taken back what she had just said.

"Girls make up half of the population," Olivia said sarcastically. "You have to look at them."

"Listen to me," Alex pleaded.

"Fine," Olivia sighed. "I'll keep my mouth shut."

Alex knew once she confessed this to Olivia, there was no turning back. She had read Olivia's diary to her friends and Olivia could use her confession to retaliate. _Is she that kind of girl? She doesn't seem like that kind of girl. She's so sweet for taking me to the hospital, but then again she's the reason I have this busted lip. If she could do that to me, she could do far worse. Just tell her, Alex. Just tell her. Oh, no. She's playing with her headband now. That must mean she's bored. I'm boring her._

"It started with actresses and singers," Alex admitted. "And then in junior high I started noticing girls at school the way I should have been noticing boys. Carol is like a sister to me and so are the other Coquettes so I don't look at them, but I once caught myself looking at another girl on my squad. It's a horrible feeling, Olivia, and I know you experience it, too. I don't want to do anything physical with boys. Not just Thomas, but any boy. Thomas is a living dream, but whenever I kiss him I feel like it's a chore. I just pretend to enjoy it because that's what everyone wants from me. Until I read your diary, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I'm not weird for having these feelings and neither are you. I was hoping we could talk to each other and be there for each other. I can't talk to my friends about this and you can't talk to yours, so I was hoping we could be allies and maybe even friends if you want to."

"Oh, I get it," Olivia said as she stood up. "It all makes perfect sense now. I squirted ketchup and mustard on you and you get your revenge by reading my diary and then I retaliate by busting your lip. So, to get back at me for hurting you, you're going to get me to confess something and then spread a rumor about me at your next little Coquettes sleepover or whatever it is you girls do. I'm not falling for it. I can't believe I felt sorry for what I did. You deserved it, Alex, and I'd do it all again if I had the chance."

_This isn't going according to plan at all. I have to tell her._

"I thought about you when I made out with Thomas," Alex blurted out.

Olivia turned around to leave. "Right, Alex."

"Olivia!"

Alex wondered why she was willing to admit something like that to a girl she barely knew, a girl who could just as easily use this information against her. Olivia left without saying another word to her and Alex couldn't help but become angry with herself for everything that had happened over the past few hours. She knew her mom would be home in an hour, so she wanted to tidy herself up and look presentable, but it was no use. The more she thought about Olivia, the more she started to cry.

_I don't have a crush on her. I just like looking at her. There's nothing wrong with that._

* * *

Without any idea how she was going to get home, Olivia decided to walk a few houses down to the Carmichael residence and wait for Abbie to arrive. Mrs. Carmichael was home, so Olivia figured she might as well talk to her until Abbie showed up. Olivia didn't know how to feel about Mrs. Carmichael because she was different from other parents. Among other parents, she pretended to be Mother of the Year, but around Abbie and her friends she honestly didn't care. Mrs. Carmichael made sure Abbie didn't want for any material possessions and she let Abbie have access to her own checkbook, but if Abbie needed guidance or motherly affection, Mrs. Carmichael was never present. With a mother like that, Olivia knew it was no wonder why Abbie turned out the way she did.

"What brings you here at this hour, Olivia?" Mrs. Carmichael asked once the two of them were seated in the living room. Olivia knew Mrs. Carmichael didn't particularly care why Olivia was out of school so early, so she figured any answer would suffice.

"A friend of mine was sick and I went to the doctor with her because her parents weren't able to," Olivia responded. She was right, not a single follow-up question was asked.

Olivia and Mrs. Carmichael made small talk until Abbie arrived. The moment Abbie walked into the door, Mrs. Carmichael walked over to her daughter and gave her a hug. The shocked expression on Abbie's face was an indicator to Olivia that this was only happening because they had company.

"Abigail, my beautiful girl, how was your day?" Mrs. Carmichael asked. Olivia knew she was being over the top and she had a feeling Abbie wished her mom could go back to her half-assed under-parenting.

"Fine," Abbie said hesitantly. "Olivia and I are going upstairs now."

To get out of that uncomfortable situation, Abbie and Olivia quickly ran upstairs and down the hall to Abbie's room. The girls took their usual spots whenever it was the two of them with Abbie lying on the left side of the bed and Olivia lying on the right side. Olivia had never seen Abbie as anything more than a best friend, but after this talk she was about to have with her, she wondered if Abbie would be disgusted with her. Abbie was far from conservative when it came to sexuality, but with her upbringing Olivia wasn't sure how she would react to what she was about to tell her.

"What's up, doc?" Abbie asked. "Did you kill Alex and now you're hiding from the fuzz?"

"I'm not hiding from the fuzz," Olivia insisted. "I felt bad for busting her lip so I drove her to the hospital."

"Why?" Abbie asked. "It's Alex. I would have just let her bleed."

"Why do you hate her so much?"

"You don't know her the way I do."

"Meaning?"

"She's a judgmental bitch," Abbie began. "I see her at all of the country club social events that my parents force me to go to. I know her and Carol and the rest of the Coquettes talk about me."

"Maybe it's because you have sex with their boyfriends," Olivia suggested, which made Abbie start to laugh.

"You might be on to something, Benson," Abbie said jokingly. "Their boyfriends are all so lousy in bed. That's probably why the Coquettes are so uptight."

"But maybe Alex isn't such a bitch after all," Olivia said as she averted her eyes. "She's just different and she doesn't know how to cope with her feelings."

"You have dirt on her?" Abbie asked excitedly. "Clue me in, Olivia."

"This has to stay between us. Do you promise this will stay between us? Don't even tell Casey. You know how she reacts to things."

"This is going to be _major_," Abbie said excitedly. "Yes, I promise. Olivia, you have so much dirt on me. Why would I flap my jaw about your secrets?"

"True," Olivia responded. "Okay, here it goes. Alex said she thought about me when she made out with Thomas."

"So?" Abbie asked, unsure of where Olivia was going with this.

"So? _So_? Abbie that's huge!" Olivia stressed. "She thinks about me while she makes out with her boyfriend and she admitted to looking at another girl on her squad."

Olivia noticed Abbie's eyes were bulging and, for the first time, she had nothing to say. A speechless Abbie was something Olivia had only witnessed once before this moment.

"Say something," Olivia urged.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Say anything. Say you're okay with it."

"It's not that I'm okay with it or I'm not okay with it," Abbie explained. "Cabot dabbling in the love that dare not speak its name doesn't concern me, not that she'd ever dabble in it because she's obviously sweet on you and you'd never do that. Would you?" When Olivia didn't answer, Abbie gently squeezed her hand. "Would you, Olivia? You can tell me."

"I don't know," Olivia said nervously.

"Saying you don't know means you would," Abbie explained. "If you wouldn't, you would have flat out said no."

"I would," Olivia admitted. "Abbie, I would. For years, I've thought something was wrong with me because I didn't fantasize about boys, but now I know it's because I like girls and knowing I'm not the only one who feels that way makes everything so much easier. I accused Alex of saying that to get back at me, but she was so sincere, Abbie. I just didn't want to believe her because believing her would be like admitting something to myself. I don't want this to change anything between us, but if you're upset with me, I completely understand."

"Upset with you?" Abbie asked and gave Olivia a hug. "I'm so thrilled right now. I love when girls are lesbians because that means there are more guys in the world for _me _to fool around with."

"You're such a slut," Olivia said as she held onto her.

"And you're such a lesbian," Abbie teased. "Look how tight you're holding on to me."

"Sorry," Olivia said even though she knew Abbie was just teasing her.

"Don't be sorry," Abbie reassured her. "We all have our own thing, Olivia. You like girls. I like older men. Just do what and _who_ makes you happy. You'll feel so free, Olivia. Do you have a crush on Alex?"

"No," Olivia admitted. "I just think she's pretty."

"She's going to grow on you," Abbie insisted. "Maybe you two fight so much because you have sexual tension. Just kiss her."

"Kiss Alex Cabot? No way!"

"Why?" Abbie asked. "You know you want to get under that cheerleading sweater."

Olivia started blushing. "I don't like Alex and Alex doesn't like me. End of story."

Olivia endured hours of teasing from Abbie, but she was grateful it was because of Alex and not because of her attraction to girls. Crushes were the last thing on Olivia's mind at that moment. She had realized something life-altering about herself and maybe—just maybe—she was willing to take Alex up on her offer of being allies.


	8. Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying

The rumors about Alex and Olivia were even more out of control the next day and, to make matters worse for Olivia, Alex wasn't at school to set everything straight. Olivia could have told everyone the truth about what had happened, but without Alex to back her up, her words meant nothing to the student body. Olivia didn't think Alex's lip was in bad enough shape to excuse her from school, so she began worrying about something far worse happening to Alex. _Did her lip become infected? What did I do to her? Maybe she just has a cold. She's Alex Cabot—does she even get colds like a normal person? I can't imagine her with a stuffy nose. _

"I bet she looks cute with a stuffy nose," Olivia accidentally said out loud.

"Who?" Abbie asked. "Cabot? Olivia, are you thinking about her again?"

Olivia was grateful Casey had decided to spend time with her boyfriend after school instead of with the two of them in Abbie's front yard. As much as she loved Casey, she knew there were some things Casey wasn't ready to hear.

There was a bench for them to sit on near the door, but the girls were always more comfortable lying down on the grass and looking up at the sky. Sometimes they talked. Other times they remained perfectly silent and imagined a life outside of their suburb, a life they hoped to experience once they graduated from high school.

Instead of thinking about leaving her suburb, that afternoon Olivia focused on what—or _whom_—was living in that very suburb. She couldn't explain why, but Alex was now on her mind more than ever. Unlike the day she wrote about her in class, Olivia was thinking about Alex's well-being instead of what she was wearing. She flashed backed to Alex's confession the day before and she wondered if Alex was being sincere or if it was a pseudo confession made for the purpose of getting information out of Olivia. Either way, Olivia knew she had to find out.

Abbie was starting to become impatient with Olivia's trance-like state. "Liv?" There was still no answer from her. "Olivia!"

"What?"

"Are you thinking about her again?"

"I'm just worried," Olivia admitted. "I tried asking Thomas about her, but he just said he didn't hear from her last night."

"Big deal! Does he have to hear from her every night?" Abbie asked in disgust. "Some people are so needy. I thought Thomas would hate you for busting his precious girlfriend's lip."

"I think Thomas cares more about me emasculating him," Olivia pointed out.

"Emasculate?" Abbie asked with a huge smile on her face. "Nice one. I'm going to start using that word."

"It's true," Olivia insisted. "He was more upset with Alex wanting _me _to help her instead of him than the fact this girlfriend has a busted lip."

"That's because Thomas Harrington is scum," Abbie told her. "He's been calling me every night and begging to see me. You know how I feel about Alex, but even _I _think she can do better and I think you're the person she should be with."

"It's not that easy, Abbie."

"It's not that hard either," Abbie responded.

"Being attracted to a girl isn't hard?" Olivia asked in disbelief. "Abbie, it's excruciating. What if I kiss Alex and we both like kissing each other? What then? I can't ask her to Homecoming or on a date. I can't ask her to prom. I can't hold her hand in public like Thomas can. We won't be able to tell anyone we're together other than you. I'll lose Casey and maybe even Elliot. She'll lose all of her friends. We'll both be ridiculed at school. How can you say it's not that hard?"

"Olivia, calm down," Abbie said and cuddled up to her. "We're talking about a single kiss. Maybe Alex is good for you."

"I can't kiss her," Olivia insisted. "I can't even talk to her. She has her nice moments, but every time I'm around her, all I can think about is who her friends are and what she stands for. She isn't like us."

"Nobody is," Abbie reminded her.

"I guess you're right," Olivia sighed. "There's a homework assignment due tomorrow for Mr. Vance's class. Maybe I should tell her what it is."

"Go on," Abbie urged. "I'll be here when you get back."

"Come with me," Olivia pleaded. "I can't go alone. What if her mom answers? You know her mom so it wouldn't be suspicious if you show up at her house."

"Fine," Abbie groaned. "But you owe me. An afternoon with Alex is like torture."

Olivia responded by grabbing Abbie's hand and practically dragging her to Alex's house. She was grateful for having an excuse to talk to Alex, but besides information about the homework assignment, she had nothing else to say to her. Because the Cabots and Carmichaels were part of the same social circle, Olivia planned on using Abbie as a scapegoat. Abbie grew up around women like Alex's mom and she hoped that would work to her advantage.

Olivia hesitated before ringing the doorbell, much to Abbie's disappointment. Abbie wanted Olivia to make progress with Alex, but she wished she could have done it without her having to be there.

"Hi," Alex said timidly once she opened the door for them. "What brings you here?"

"Mr. Vance assigned some homework for us," Olivia began. She wanted to tell Alex the assignment, but she couldn't get over the fact that Alex's eyes and nose were red and her cheeks appeared to be tear-stained.

"One of my friends gave me the assignment," Alex informed them. She was averting her eyes the entire time, which made Olivia even more suspicious.

"Alex, are you okay?" Olivia asked.

"Groovy," Alex responded, still averting her eyes.

"Is it Thomas?" Abbie asked.

"No," Alex said sadly. "You wouldn't understand."

"Is it because you're into girls?" Abbie asked.

Alex glared at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Olivia gave me the skinny," Abbie responded. She was looking completely bored with the situation, which only made everything worse.

"You told her?" Alex asked angrily. "Olivia, that was supposed to stay between us."

"It's cool, it's cool," Abbie reassured her, but Alex was far from convinced.

"It's not cool," Alex said as she started crying even more. "I want both of you out of here."

Abbie crossed her arms and glared at her. "No."

"Get out!" Alex yelled. "You're going to tell everyone about me. You just don't get it."

"I don't get it, but Olivia gets it," Abbie insisted. "How are things with Thomas?"

"Why?" Alex asked. "Everything is fine."

"Just wondering," Abbie said nonchalantly. "Why are you even with him? Olivia is far better for you."

"You're really okay with this?" Alex asked.

"What is there to be okay with?" Olivia chimed in. "We're not into each other."

It wasn't what Olivia felt, but there was still something about Alex that bothered her. Alex was at her most vulnerable but she still felt as if she was up to something. There was so much tension between them and she had no idea what to say or do next. Olivia wanted to take care of Alex. She wanted to tell her about Thomas and Abbie. She wanted to care for her lip. She wanted to tell her that even though her lip was busted, she was still the most beautiful girl she had ever laid eyes on. Most importantly, she wanted to let Alex know that the reason she had told Abbie was because she needed someone to confide in. There was an endless list of things she wanted to tell Alex, but instead she turned around and left without giving Alex or Abbie an explanation.

* * *

Alex stood in her living room in awe of what had just happened. The two of them exchanged glances, both wondering whether or not they should chase after Olivia. Alex waited for Abbie to excuse herself so she could talk to her friend, but instead she sat down on the sofa and motioned for Alex to join her. Being alone with Abbie Carmichael was on Alex's list of things to avoid, but there she was in her living room with a tear-stained face and a very persistent Abbie Carmichael when all she wanted was to talk to Olivia.

"Aren't you going to chase after her?" Alex asked.

"Aren't _you_?"

"She's your best friend," Alex pointed out. "It wouldn't be right if I went after her."

"Do you always have to do what's right?" Abbie asked. "Can't you just do what you want?"

"Is that what you do?" Alex snapped back.

"I'm not the one crying, sweetheart," Abbie said in a condescending tone.

"Why do you care?" Alex asked. "You hate me."

"Hate is an ugly word," Abbie told her. "Frankly, I don't care what you do unless it affects Olivia. Her happiness is all I care about. I only love four people in this world. One of them is myself and the other is Olivia—"

"Are the other two your parents?" Alex interrupted.

"No," Abbie scoffed. "The other two are Casey and Elliot. My family life isn't up for discussion, Alex. I know Olivia is pushing you away, but that just means you should try harder. She's just as confused about her feelings as you are. I know liking a girl isn't normal, but who is normal these days? There is so much going on in the world. Love is about the only beautiful thing still in it."

"You sound like a Beatles song," Alex said as she smiled for the first time that day.

"Smiling will bust your stitches," Abbie reminded her. "Did you rat on Olivia about that?"

"No," Alex informed her. "I told them I tripped and fell and they actually believed it. They let me stay home today because my lip was hurting."

"Are you sicking your little entourage on her once you're back in school? You know if you do, I'll do much worse than give you a busted lip."

"…I know," Alex said hesitantly. "And you know if you let any of this conversation slip to anyone other than Olivia, I _will _make the rest of the school year a living hell for you."

"I'll be looking forward to it," Abbie said sarcastically. "I should go after Olivia now. Glad we had this talk."

"Abbie, wait!" Alex called out when Abbie was about to open the door.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," Alex said and smiled again.

"Don't mention it. Seriously, don't mention it," Abbie insisted. "I don't want anyone knowing we can be civil with each other."

"Agreed," Alex told her. "It would look bad for the two of us."

"Alex, what are you doing Friday night?"

"Cheering at the football game," Alex said with a raised eyebrow. "Why?"

"After that."

"Spending time with my boyfriend."

The sound of that made Abbie want to cringe. "Break your date with him," Abbie insisted. "Olivia and I are going to the creek Friday night. Wouldn't you much rather be with her?"

"I'll see what I can do," Alex responded, knowing she was definitely going to break a date with Thomas to spend time with Olivia.

* * *

Olivia was lying on the same spot in the grass she was at before the two of them visited Alex. She wondered why she had said that to Alex or, even worse, what Abbie was currently saying to Alex. She knew she should have explained herself instead of leaving, but what was there to explain. She knew she could never be with Alex the way Thomas could or any boy could.

Olivia wasn't aware that she had zoned out until she felt the full weight of Abbie's body pressed against her. Abbie was far from heavy, but feeling her bones digging into her made Olivia wish she could push her off.

"You're going to love me even more than you already do," Abbie insisted.

"Why?" Olivia asked.

"I invited Alex to go to the creek with us," Abbie said excitedly. "And she's going! She didn't exactly say she was, but the look on her face was all the answer I needed."

"No," Olivia groaned. "That night was supposed to be for the two of us. Alex will only ruin it."

"Olivia," Abbie said as she held her down. "We'll be there on a Friday night which means Alex will be in her cheerleading uniform. I'll invite a guy to keep me company, one who doesn't go to our school or know either of you. While I'm busy with him, you can get under that cheerleading sweater of hers."

"Abbie!" Olivia said in disbelief.

"Stop trying to act so innocent, Olivia. You know that's going to be on your mind for the rest of the week."

Olivia knew it wasn't going to be on her mind, but she didn't want to seem juvenile in front of the most experienced person she knew. All she wanted at the moment was to hold Alex's hand or even give her a hug. The thought of doing anything more than that was almost too much for her to handle.


	9. Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon

The next three days at school were torture for Alex. She wanted to avoid everyone she came in contact with, but being a Coquette and a cheerleader made that impossible. The cheerleaders decorated her locker with 'get well' messages and the Coquettes made a fuss over her lip. Her best friend Carol told her to cover it up with some lipstick, but nothing about that sounded like a good idea to Alex. She loved her friends, but she couldn't help noticing how focused they were on physical appearances. Carol _tried _to be helpful with lipstick, which is more than what she could say for Beverly and Joyce who kept staring at her in disgust. Even her own boyfriend didn't want to be around her because he couldn't kiss her. There were no comforting embraces from him or any kind words. All he said to her on Wednesday and Thursday was good morning followed by questions about when her lip was supposed to heal. She wished she could have learned this lesson in a less painful manner, but it took a busted lip for her to realize where she stood with her friends.

By Friday's lunch period, Alex's lip was no longer hurting and she knew it was starting to look slightly better. Beverly, Joyce, and Thomas were still a little hesitant to be seen with her, but she was grateful she had Carol on her side. While picking at her food, she couldn't help noticing Abbie, Olivia, and Casey at a table across the cafeteria. She had no idea what they were talking about, but she couldn't help smiling when she saw how great the three of them got along with each other. There was no eye-rolling or pretending to look interested; they actually enjoyed sitting together and listening to each other. Maybe there was banter. Maybe there wasn't. All Alex knew was that she, for a brief moment, wished she could be a part of their group.

Getting out of her date with Thomas was going to be easy now that she knew he wasn't all that attracted to her when she wasn't looking her best. Alex decided to take his uneasiness a step further by telling him she wasn't going to be at the game that night. Unlike the other girls on her squad, Alex's life didn't revolve around cheerleading, but there was no way she would tell any of them that. As much as she was starting to become annoyed with her friends, she knew getting on their bad side wasn't the smartest thing to do.

"Alex?" Carol asked.

"Hmm?" Alex said, only half paying attention to what she was saying.

"Are you okay? You keep looking at Olivia. Did she threaten you?"

"No," Alex quickly responded. "She didn't threaten me at all. It's just—it's just—my lip is really hurting. Maybe I should stay home from the game tonight."

"That's a good idea," Thomas added and Alex wondered if he was relieved that she wasn't going to be at the game.

"Why, Alex?" Carol asked.

"Stop asking so many questions," Thomas told her. "If Alex doesn't want to go to the game, then she doesn't want to go to the game. What if she rips one of her stitches while she's cheering and her lip never heals. Homecoming is next month. She has to look perfect."

"You used to tell me I looked perfect, regardless," Alex pointed out. "Thomas, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," Thomas responded. "I just know how you are."

"How I am?" Alex asked.

Thomas knew he had to say something, but the bell rang and Alex no longer wanted an answer from him. She thought about approaching Olivia, but she wasn't brave enough to do that yet. Instead, Alex longingly glanced in their direction before making her way to class.

* * *

Alex anxiously looked at the clock as she waited for nine to approach. Her parents knew she was upset because of her lip, so they were thrilled when she said she was spending the night at a friend's house even if that friend just happened to be Abbie. Mr. and Mrs. Cabot wanted Alex to spend time with Abbie because it made cocktail parties and other social events easier for them, especially because most of those events took place at the Carmichael residence.

The moment nine o'clock approached, she grabbed a suitcase she had neatly packed with pajamas and clothes for tomorrow. Alex was nervous—incredibly nervous—and it was all because of Olivia. She thought about what Olivia was going to be wearing and if Olivia would even be okay with her spending time at the creek with them. She imagined Olivia in one of the dresses she wore to school although there was almost no chance of Olivia wearing a dress to the creek. _She _wasn't even wearing a dress. What made her think Olivia would? Even if she were wearing shorts, Alex wouldn't mind, as long as she was given the chance to stare at Olivia's legs.

"Abbie?" Alex asked once she opened the front door of the Carmichael residence.

"In here!" Abbie called out. "Just come to the kitchen."

When Alex entered the kitchen, she saw Abbie taking Coke bottles out of the refrigerator. She figured they were refreshments for tonight until she saw a bottle of Jack Daniels on the countertop. _That must belong to her parents._

"Alex, grab the bottle."

"Jack Daniels?" Alex asked. "But that's alcohol. Why are we taking alcohol and bottles of Coke?"

"For Jack and Coke," Abbie scoffed. "Alex, don't you know anything?"

"I've had drinks before," Alex said defensively. "I just didn't know you were bringing any to the creek."

"Alex, you don't have to drink if you don't want to," Abbie reassured her. "Nobody is going to pressure you. Olivia doesn't drink, either."

"She doesn't?"

"No," Abbie repeated. "She doesn't, but that doesn't mean Mark and I can't."

"What school does he go to?" Alex asked without knowing if it was any of her business. "I just remember you saying you'd invite a guy who wasn't from our school."

"He doesn't go to school," Abbie said nonchalantly.

"Did he graduate last year?"

Abbie was becoming frustrated and Alex jumped back a couple of steps when Abbie forcefully put down one of the bottles. "He's twenty-nine, Alex."

"…oh," Alex said hesitantly. "But, Abbie, you're seventeen. You're seventeen and he's twenty-nine. Are your parents okay with that?"

"Alex," Abbie said and rolled her eyes.

"I'm sorry," Alex told her.

"Help me with this stuff," Abbie ordered.

Alex grabbed a few of the bottles and followed Abbie out the door and into her car. It was the first time she had ever been alone in a car with Abbie and she had no idea what to expect. Was Abbie going to argue with her? Was she going to ignore her? Alex decided being ignored by Abbie was better than facing her wrath, so she looked out the window in hopes that Abbie would take a hint.

When she started her car, a Bob Dylan song began playing, one that Alex had heard numerous times but didn't particularly care for. In fact, now that she realized it, she didn't particularly care for any type of folk music. Although the lyrics had meaning, they often made her feel uneasy about the world around her. She preferred pop music, something she could dance to.

Abbie became lost in the song, singing along with every single word. Alex wanted to ask her to turn the music off or at least change the station, but she figured a singing Abbie was better than an angry Abbie.

"Do you like Dylan?" Abbie asked.

"Not particularly," Alex responded.

"Olivia loves Bob Dylan," Abbie said matter-of-factly. "So do I. So does Casey. So does Elliot. We all like getting lost in his lyrics and analyzing their meaning. Do you know what Mr. Tambourine Man is about?"

"No," Alex said and shook her head.

"It's about—nevermind. Something tells me there are things you'll never understand."

"Try me," Alex urged.

"I just know you, Alex," Abbie said, frustrated. "You can't see what's right in front of you. Olivia likes you. I don't know why Olivia likes you, but she likes you. Maybe Olivia is a lesbian. Maybe she isn't. Who knows? I just know she could do so much better."

"I'm here, aren't I?" Alex said defensively. "That shows how interested I am in Olivia. It's just hard, Abbie. I don't know what to do. Being a…a…a homosexual is a mental illness. Abbie, I'm mentally ill. Olivia is mentally ill, too. How can you be encouraging this? You're her friend. You should discourage her from having these feelings and try to get her help. I should probably get help, too."

"I've never been in love," Abbie began. "And I don't plan on falling in love anytime soon, but from what I hear from people who have fallen in love—people like Casey and Tony—it's such a beautiful feeling. I'm not saying you're going to fall in love with Olivia, but what if you do? Do you really want to deny yourself that?"

"I guess not," Alex said as she stared out the window.

"Just give her a chance," Abbie insisted. "Give _yourself _a chance."

"You're not going to tell anyone?" Alex asked.

"Alex," Abbie groaned.

Alex became uneasy when Abbie pulled into a nearby parking lot instead of continuing on to Olivia's house. Their neighborhood was only a few blocks away, so if for any reason she had to make a break for it, she was on familiar territory. As Abbie turned her car off, Alex started planning escape routes. _She's going to kill me. Abbie Carmichael is going to kill me._

Instead, she leaned in and quickly kissed Alex on the lips. The kiss was over in less than two seconds, but it was long enough to disturb Alex. She felt Abbie's lip gloss on her lips and she began roughly wiping it off with her sleeve.

"You kissed me!" Alex said in disbelief.

Abbie tried to stifle her laughter, but that didn't last long. "Don't flatter yourself, Cabot. I'm not attracted to you. I was just trying to prove a point."

"What point were you possibly trying to prove by kissing me?" Alex asked.

"You were kissed by a girl and nothing happened to you," Abbie pointed out. "You're still alive. Your lips didn't fall off. You didn't turn to stone. Everything is okay, Alex, and everything is going to be okay when you kiss Olivia."

Alex began to assess the situation at hand. Abbie was right; she hadn't turned to stone and her lips _didn't _fall off when they made contact with another girl's lips, but none of that mattered to Alex. At that moment, she hated Abbie more than ever before. She wasn't attracted to Abbie and she knew Abbie wasn't attracted to her, but she realized as much as she hated Abbie, she didn't hate what it felt like to kiss a girl. It was the most frightening and exciting moment of her life and she would have given anything not to experience it. Alex had hoped kissing a girl would disgust her and she could go back to making out with Thomas in the backseat of his car. She wanted to enjoy that. She absolutely _needed _to enjoy that.

"I'm not mentally ill, Abbie," Alex said hysterically. Before she could get so much as a response from Abbie, Alex got out of her car and started running home. She knew Abbie wasn't going to chase her; Olivia was her priority, not her, but that didn't matter to Alex. She kept running as fast as she could until she got home. Her tears were stinging her eyes and she knew her suitcase was still at Abbie's house, but that would have to wait until tomorrow.

After washing her face and reapplying her make-up, Alex had Thomas sneak into her bedroom while her parents were asleep. It wasn't what she wanted to do, but she was determined to prove to herself and to her boyfriend that there was nothing wrong with her. Alex Cabot was going to lose her virginity to her boyfriend and have a healthy sexual relationship with him whether or not she was ready.

_It's going to be okay_, Alex tried reassuring herself. _It's Thomas's first time, too. He's probably just as nervous as I am._


	10. Midnight Confessions

**A/N: Thank you so much for the feedback. It really means a lot to me. This chapter is going to be a little darker, so I just thought I'd warn you.**

As Thomas's lips were pressed against hers, Alex started to reconsider what she had planned on doing. The lights were off and there was a condom on her dresser. Her boyfriend was at the point of no return, or so Alex felt as he was on top of her. Nothing about this moment was how Alex pictured it. She wasn't exactly waiting for her wedding night, but she expected a romantic moment. Most importantly, she expected to actually love the person she was going to lose her virginity to.

"I can't do this," Alex said quickly. "I'm sorry. I just can't."

"Alex—"

"I can't," Alex repeated. "I'm not ready."

"It'll be okay, beautiful," Thomas insisted, his hand making its way in between Alex's legs. "You love me, don't you?"

Before Alex could answer, she heard the sound of a small rock hitting her window. _A diversion. Thank goodness._

"I have to see who that is," Alex said as she made her way out from underneath her boyfriend. When she looked down, she was surprised to see Abbie standing in her front yard. The moment she acknowledged her, Abbie started gesturing for her to go outside. Abbie Carmichael was the last person she hoped would be telling her to go outside, but at that point she was grateful for any type of diversion.

"Abbie is here," Alex told Thomas. "We have to go outside."

"Why is Abbie here?" Thomas asked nervously. No longer wanting to argue with Alex, he started putting his clothes on. Alex noticed her boyfriend had become unsteady, but she was more concerned with Abbie than whatever was happening with Thomas.

Out of fear of waking Mr. and Mrs. Cabot, Alex and Thomas quietly made their way downstairs and out the door. A scantily clad Abbie Carmichael was waiting for Alex on the sidewalk and she nearly gasped when she saw Thomas and Alex holding hands as they walked over to her.

_What the hell is going on? _Alex wondered.

"Abbie," Thomas said nervously. "You look great."

"Please," Abbie said sarcastically. Alex looked over Abbie's jeans and bare-midriff shirt, which were a far cry from what she usually wore to school.

"What's this about?" Alex asked.

"Don't sweat it," Abbie said and then turned to Thomas. "Mind if I borrow your girlfriend for the night?"

Thomas was still in shock. "Actually, we were—we were—"

"We weren't doing anything," Alex said and glared at him. "Yes, Abbie, you can borrow me."

"Far out," Abbie responded. "We should leave now. Thomas, it's been a thin slice of heaven."

"Yeah," Thomas said, completely dumbfounded.

"Sorry about the kiss," Abbie told Alex once they were in her car and their way to pick up Olivia.

"No, you're not," Alex insisted.

"Okay, I'm not," Abbie responded. "I'm not attracted to you, Alex."

"And I'm not attracted to you," Alex reassured her. "I'm attracted to Olivia. I mean—"

"You like Olivia," Abbie teased. "I'm not sure if you've noticed this, but I have a very unconventional way of doing things."

"You don't say," Alex responded sarcastically. "Do you mind telling me why my boyfriend acted that way around you?"

"Can't say," Abbie told her, not quite lying. She really _couldn't _say why Thomas was acting in such a manner.

"Do you have a crush on him?"

"No!" Abbie said quickly. "Alex, he's a teenage boy and I'm not wearing much above the waist. How did you expect him to act?"

"I guess," Alex sighed. The two of them rode in silence until they got to Olivia's house although there were so many things Alex wanted to say to her. She was starting to have a bad feeling about Abbie and Thomas, but there was also a part of her that felt relieved. Did Abbie like him? Did he like her? _If he likes her, they should be together. That'll get him off of me…literally. _

"I don't date high school boys," Abbie said reassuringly once they arrived at Olivia's house.

"…okay," Alex responded as she nervously looked out the window in hopes that Olivia would soon be joining them.

A few seconds had passed, but it seemed like an eternity for Alex. She honestly didn't want to be around Abbie, but she was starting to feel as if being around Abbie was worth it if that meant she would be able to spend time with Olivia.

There were no words exchanged when Olivia got into the car, not even a hello. Alex knew this was going to be a long night for her—for all of them—and she began to wonder why she had even agreed to join them. That is, until she looked out of the corner of her eye and saw Olivia smile. _That's why I'm here. That smile of hers makes everything better._

When they arrived at the creek, Abbie parked next to a Volkswagen bus with a peace sign painted on the side. A long-haired man with old jeans and an unbuttoned shirt stepped out, much to Olivia's surprise. Olivia knew Abbie had dated more men than what she could count on her hands and toes and, although Olivia had never met any of them, she had seen photographs of each one. They were always executives, bankers, brokers, or other men with high-stress and high-paying jobs. Mark was nothing like those men and Olivia was wondering if he was the reason for Abbie's sudden wardrobe change.

"Sunflower," Mark said as Abbie made his way over to him. Instead of a handshake or a hug, Olivia was surprised to see Abbie nearly leap on top of him.

"Sunflower?" Alex quietly asked Olivia. Olivia wished she could give her an answer, but she was just as much in the dark as Alex was.

"I'd like you to meet Mark," Abbie said as she clung to him.

"Pleased to meet you," Olivia said, extending her hand to him. "How did you two meet?"

"On the Haight," Abbie responded.

"The Haight?" Alex asked.

"Haight and Ashbury," Abbie informed them. "I was there this summer."

"In San Francisco?" Alex asked.

"You were at your grandparents' house in Texas this summer," Olivia reminded her.

"That's what my parents think," Abbie said and winked at her.

"She ran away from her grandparents and hitchhiked to San Francisco," Mark informed them. "I remember the first time I saw her, looking so lost but so hopeful. And so damn beautiful."

_And you took advantage of her_, Olivia thought. _You probably drugged her, had sex with her repeatedly, and filled her head with so many lies about the way life should be._

"That place changed my life," Abbie said excitedly. "Imagine it, girls; a place with no social hierarchy. You smile on your brother. There's peace and free love, none of this bullshit that we put up with in the suburbs. I spent the whole time expanding my mind with ideas."

"What about Chet?" Olivia asked.

"Abbie isn't a man's property," Mark argued. "She could be with as many men as she wants to be."

"See?" Abbie told Olivia. "That's how it should be. The world is going to change, Olivia. There's this whole revolution that I want to be a part of. I can't do this, Olivia. I can't live in this suburb. I'm going back to the Haight as soon as I turn eighteen. I'll be an adult. My parents can't stop me. No one can stop me."

"We're going to leave you alone," Mark told Alex and Olivia. "Sunflower, here, said you two are—"

"You told him?" Alex asked in disbelief.

"It's cool," Abbie reassured her. "It's cool, Alex. It's accepted. It's all accepted."

Olivia had a bad feeling about Mark, but there was nothing she could say that would get through to Abbie. She wasted no time before leading him over to his van. What they were doing in there, Olivia wasn't sure that she wanted to know. She was certain it had to be something other than drinking because the bottle of Jack Daniels was in the front seat of her car.

"Is she going to be okay?" Alex asked as she laid out a blanket for the two of them to sit on.

"I don't know," Olivia responded. "No one ever knows. There's no telling Abbie what to do. She's just lost. She goes through these phases in hopes that she'll find herself, but what she's really doing is losing herself in the process. Her parents have messed her up so much and all she wants is for them to love her."

"Maybe Abbie has the right idea," Alex pointed out. "I wish I could lose myself."

"I think who you are is just fine," Olivia said and smiled at her.

"Do you want to know why I'm really in favor of this war?" Alex asked.

"Oh, no, not this again," Olivia said and shook her head. "This is why we argued in the first place."

"It's because of my parents," Alex began, completing ignoring Olivia's statement. "I have an older sister and they—"

"You have an older sister?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah," Alex responded. "Her name is Suzanne, but I call her Suzie Q. She's twenty-four and she lives in New York. I rarely see her and neither do my parents, but that's because they choose not to see her. Suzie is a…well, politically, she's not on the same page as my parents."

"How so?"

"She's a bit of a radical and she's been that way since she was a college freshman," Alex informed Olivia. "My parents aren't racist in the slightest bit, but they were infuriated when Suzie became involved in everything that was happening in the south. She spent a summer in Alabama and got arrested at a sit-in. My parents are in favor of integration, but they hated the fact that their daughter got the Cabot name linked to political activism. Their first-born, their pride and joy was a criminal in their eyes and instead of being proud of her for standing up for her beliefs, they disowned her. I don't want the same fate to befall me, so instead of forming my own opinions, I share theirs."

"That's bullshit!" Olivia said angrily. "Why would they do that?"

"I asked and all they said is they don't want to be embarrassed in front of their friends. Can you believe that? They chose the image they want to portray over their own daughter, their own flesh and blood."

"You'd be surprised what parents choose over their own flesh and blood," Olivia began.

"You have a story," Alex pointed out. "I can tell by your tone."

"I don't have parents," Olivia began. "I mean, I do but I don't. I live with my grandparents. I've never met my father and I'm not sure if my mom knows who he is, not that it matters because not even my own mother is in my life. I was three when she left. I went to bed one night and when I woke up, she was gone. Luckily, we were living with my grandparents and they took me in. All she did was leave a note saying that she couldn't do this anymore. For years, I blamed myself, sometimes I still do. I don't know what I did to make her leave. Was I a difficult child? Every year, she sends me a card on my birthday as if that's supposed to make up for it. She doesn't even print a return address, so it's obvious she doesn't want me to find her."

"And people wonder why we are the way we are," Alex said as she grabbed Olivia's hand. Olivia felt her heart start to race and she wondered if Alex was having the same reaction.

"Look at the world," Olivia told her. "There's a war going on and thousands of men are dying, but we are expected to act as if nothing is happening."

"I know," Alex added. "We turn on the TV and Walter Cronkite is reporting on the happenings in Vietnam, but there are still homecoming dances and advertisements for products that can supposedly change our lives. Is this what they're fighting for?"

"It's the American way," Olivia said sarcastically. "And I'm glad you're on my side, politically speaking. Maybe you aren't so bad…for a Coquette."

"You just had to add that last part," Alex teased.

"It felt necessary," Olivia said as she scooted closer to Alex.

She desperately wanted to kiss her, but they were interrupted by Abbie, who took it upon herself to tackle them. Her shirt was nowhere to be found and they noticed something different about the way she was acting.

"Abbie?" Olivia asked. "What did you do? I know you weren't drinking."

"I'm euphoric," Abbie told them. "Olivia, I can feel my mind expanding."

"Abigail!" Olivia said angrily. "What did you do?"

"A, B, C," Abbie began singing. "L, S, D."

"Where's Mark?" Olivia asked.

"He's passed out," Abbie told them. "He didn't take any, but that doesn't mean I couldn't or that you shouldn't. Everything looks so beautiful, Olivia. I'm going to live forever. We're all going to live forever and we're going to stay beautiful and we're never going to grow up and buy houses in the suburbs and go to cocktail parties. We're going to be okay. All three of us. We're going to break free. I need to break free from this."

Alex took off the cardigan she was wearing and used it to cover up Abbie. Neither of them knew the effects of the drug Abbie had just taken, so they weren't sure what to do. All they knew is that they couldn't take her to her parents and there was no way they were going to let her stay with Mark, so they decided to spend the night near the creek. Abbie rambled for hours about hating life in the suburbs and wanting to run away while Alex and Olivia just listened. It wasn't the night they were hoping for, but they had no choice but to listen to her. When they woke up the next morning, Mark was gone and Olivia had never felt so grateful before. She was going to keep her best friend away from him at any cost.


	11. Silence Is Golden

Alex and Olivia hadn't spoken more than a few sentences to each other at school since their night at the creek, but it was only because they were both afraid of being seen together. While at the creek, Abbie had made a comment about how obvious the two of them were becoming. There was never any flirtation between the two of them and Abbie made the comment while experimenting with drugs, but Alex and Olivia didn't want to risk being found out. There was nothing for anyone to find out about them—they hadn't even kissed although they had both wanted to, but rumors would run rampant at Roosevelt High and Alex and Olivia had been the subject of many of them ever since the incident at the diner. The last thing they wanted was for their classmates to have something else to talk about.

The girls may not have spoken to each other at school, but they tied up the phone lines at home with their endless talk about movies, music, and politics. Now that Olivia knew Alex wasn't on the other side, politically speaking, she found it much easier to talk to her. While on the phone, they had exchanged the most mundane facts about their lives, but even those details about Alex had Olivia enthralled. There was something about these conversations with Alex that felt right for Olivia. Unlike her phone conversations with boys who had a crush on her, their conversations weren't forced and she never felt a lull or came up with an excuse to hang up. The only reason they would hang up is because either Alex's parents or Olivia's grandparents would want to use the phone. The moment the line was free again, they'd get right back on the phone with each other.

As much as Olivia loved being on the phone with Alex, there were times when she felt guilty about knowing what Abbie and Thomas had done. Neither Abbie nor Olivia had liked Alex at the time, but now that they did Olivia had the urge to tell Alex what had happened. She knew it wouldn't bring Alex any closer to her. In fact, Alex would probably think she was lying, but Olivia was starting to consider Alex to be one of her friends and she hated when her friends were lied to. While at school, the two of them pretended to be a happy couple even though Alex seemed disinterested and Thomas only talked to her about sex. Alex had told Olivia during one of their many phone conversations that Thomas was putting too much pressure on her and the last thing she wanted was for Alex to give in to him because she was feeling vulnerable.

"We have to tell her," Olivia blurted out when she and Abbie were walking to the only class they had together.

"What are we telling to whom?" Abbie asked, confused.

"We have to tell Alex about Thomas," Olivia told her.

"What about him?"

"That you had sex with him," Olivia said, frustrated. "Really, Abbie, you've never been this dense before. It's like you're not even the same person. Are you still using—"

"I'm not!" Abbie interrupted. "And if I were, it wouldn't be any of your business, Olivia. Stay out of this."

"You're my heart," Olivia told her.

"And you're mine," Abbie said reassuringly. "I'm sorry for having an outburst."

"It's okay," Olivia insisted. "Consider the subject. We're talking about Thomas Harrington."

"Don't remind me."

"You'd tell me if you were using, right?" Olivia asked.

"I tell you everything," Abbie responded.

"Everything except you running away to San Francisco," Olivia pointed out. "Abbie, that's so dangerous. You could have been raped. You could have been _murdered_."

"But I wasn't! And now I'm a better person for having gone over there."

She still didn't agree with Abbie, but she with only one minute left before class was scheduled to start, she didn't want to continue the argument. Besides, she knew it was nearly impossible to tell Abbie what to do. "Promise me we won't keep any secrets from each other."

"I promise," Abbie insisted.

* * *

That night, Alex was surprised to see Abbie standing outside her front door. Although they had started talking to each other more frequently, their conversations had always revolved around Olivia and had occurred whenever Alex was about to see Olivia. The girls had nothing planned for the night, so Alex was a little apprehensive when she saw how nervous Abbie looked. Something was off and Alex wasn't sure if she wanted to find out.

"How are you?" Abbie asked once they were seated on Alex's front porch.

"I'm fine," Alex responded. "What's your real reason for coming over here?"

"You're a few houses down and I thought I'd say hello. Does there have to be any reason other than that?"

"For you, yes," Alex pointed out. "You're with me on my front porch. Aren't you afraid people will see you with a Coquette?"

"I want to talk about Thomas," Abbie said nervously.

"What about him?"

"You need to break up with him," Abbie insisted.

"Why?" Alex asked, confused. "Is it because of Olivia?"

"Don't you want to be with Olivia?"

"Yes, I want to be with Olivia, but I can't. I have a crush on her but we can't be together."

"Then be with any guy in the world who isn't Thomas," Abbie said forcefully. "Please, Alex. I know we aren't the best of friends, but I'm on your side and I'm only telling you this because I'm looking out for you."

"What's going on?" Alex asked. She was becoming frustrated with Abbie's lack of details and all she wanted was for her to stop. She took another look at the way Abbie was composing herself. The usually confident girl was fidgety and averting her eyes.

"What's going on?" Alex repeated.

"He's cheating on you!" Abbie revealed a little louder than she had hoped.

"What?" Alex scoffed. "No, he's not. Thomas is in love with me."

"Then why did he lose his virginity to me?" Abbie asked.

"He did _what?_ When?" Alex asked as she was trying not to cry. "When was this? Was it this week after I refused to have sex with him?"

"No," Abbie said and shook her head. "It was before that, much before that."

"When?" Alex asked angrily.

"Does it really matter?"

"When, Abigail?"

"I don't remember the date, Alex," Abbie admitted. "It's not like it meant anything to me. He's just another notch on my bedpost. Just between us girls, you aren't missing much."

Alex was taken aback. "He's _my _boyfriend. I was going to lose my virginity to him and he was supposed to lose his to me. You hurt me, Abbie, and it meant nothing to you. Are you even going to apologize?"

"Why should I apologize?" Abbie asked. "Apologizing would imply that I'm sorry about what I did and I'm not sorry, Alex. I'm glad I had sex with him because now you know what a jerk Thomas Harrington is. If anything, I did you a favor. Now you can break up with him and be with Olivia."

"So, that's what this is about?" Alex asked. "Olivia put you up to this. She doesn't have the nerve to ask me to leave him so she gets her slut friend to have sex with my boyfriend?"

"No," Abbie insisted. "This had nothing to do with Olivia. I didn't even know Olivia had a crush on you when I had sex with Thomas."

"Why are you like this?" Alex asked. "How could you possibly think this is okay? How could you possibly think anything you do is okay? You had sex with my boyfriend! You have sex with older men—older _married _men. You use LSD. You run away because you want to 'expand your mind.' What is Olivia doing with you? What is Casey doing with you? What is Elliot Stabler doing with you? They're all too good for you. How long is it before you start sleeping with Casey's boyfriend? Or have you already slept with him? No wonder your parents don't love you. Look at the things you do, Abbie."

"Was that supposed to hurt me?" Abbie asked as she started laughing. "You're a feisty one, aren't you?"

"Get away from me!" Alex commanded.

"Maybe now you won't live a lie," Abbie shouted back as she was leaving. "You _wish _you could be as free as I am."

Alex stormed into her house and slammed the door behind her. As much as she had wanted to break up with Thomas, she didn't expect this betrayal from Abbie. Just as she was letting her guard down and becoming accepting of Abbie, she realized exactly what Abbie was capable of. She wanted to call Olivia and ask if she could go over, but she decided against it. Her heart was broken and all she wanted was to be held by Olivia, but it wasn't the right time. If she were to kiss Olivia, the memory of their first kiss would be tainted by what had just happened. Instead, Alex laid on her bed and cried herself to sleep.


	12. You've Really Got Me

After a long internal debate, Alex decided to go to Olivia's house the next morning. For as much as the two of them talked on the phone, she had never actually been inside Olivia's house and the only time she had been near her house was when she and Abbie picked Olivia up before going to the creek. On their way over to Olivia's house that night, Alex had made it appoint to memorize the route over there just in case she wanted to make a surprise visit.

During the drive over there, she had rehearsed exactly what she was going to say when she met Olivia's grandparents and she had made sure to dress like a respectable young woman just in case Olivia's grandparents were old-fashioned and conservative. When she approached the driveway of the Benson household, she was relieved to see Olivia sitting on the front porch by herself.

_It's now or never_, Alex told herself as she mentally prepared to approach Olivia. She quickly looked in the mirror and noticed that her eyes were still puffy from crying the night before. She tried layer after layer of make-up but nothing allowed for any improvement.

"Alex?" Olivia asked when she approached the car. Alex was startled to see her standing there. _How long was I looking in the mirror?_

"Hi," Alex said sheepishly. "Hop in."

"Where are we going?" Olivia asked.

"Nowhere," Alex responded. "I just want to talk."

"We can go to my room," Olivia told her. "My grandparents don't mind. They're actually a lot cooler than most adults."

"No," Alex said once she remembered her puffy eyes. "I mean, no, thank you. I can't stay long, so it'd be best if we just talk in here."

"…okay," Olivia said hesitantly, wondering what was happening with Alex.

"What were you doing?" Alex asked, trying to make conversation.

"Homework," Olivia responded. It wasn't the most exciting conversation she had ever partaken in, but she was so happy to see Alex that she didn't exactly care what they talked about.

"For which class?"

"Trig," Olivia replied nonchalantly. "Alex, what's this about? Your eyes are puffy and I know you didn't drive over here to talk about homework."

"Thomas cheated on me," Alex began. "He lost his virginity to Abbie, Abbie of all people. I thought she was my friend."

"She wasn't at the time," Olivia pointed out. "You and I weren't even friends at the time."

"You knew?" Alex asked in disbelief. "Olivia, you knew? How could you let me be so foolish? How could you let me—"

"I didn't know what to do," Olivia admitted. "Abbie is my best friend and she has been since forever. I don't always agree with what she does, but I had to stick by her."

"Did you agree what she did this time?"

"No," Olivia responded.

"I'm glad she did it," Alex admitted.

"I thought you hated her for it."

"I hate that it was Abbie who did it," Alex began. "But I'm glad somebody did it."

"Why?" Olivia asked.

Alex had tried to keep herself composed during their conversation, but the tears started flowing again. "I've been looking for a reason to break up with him and I know you understand why. I just can't physically love a guy. I've tried, Olivia, but I can't. Whenever we'd fool around, I'd feel so disgusted with myself afterward. I wouldn't brag about it like my friends did. It's like I was ashamed. Thomas is an asshole, but he deserves to be with someone who could love him the way he wants to be loved and I deserve the same. I deserve to be happy."

"What would make you happy?" Olivia asked.

"You," Alex admitted. "You would make me happy. Please don't think I'm obsessive, but you're all I think about. Everything I do is with you in mind. I ask myself the silliest questions. Will Olivia like this dress on me? Will Olivia like my hair this way? Would Olivia like this song? It's all so trivial, but I can't help it."

"Well, I guess I'm trivial, too," Olivia said and smiled at Alex.

"You feel the same way?" Alex asked, finally perking up.

"Alex, I thought it was obvious," Olivia told Alex as she leaned in to hug her. "We talk on the phone all the time. I don't just do that with anyone."

"Not even Casey or Abbie?" Alex asked.

"Especially them," Olivia responded. "I love my friends, but they're a little extreme sometimes."

"I'm so bad at this," Alex admitted. "What do we do now?"

"I don't know," Olivia responded. "I'm just as bad as you are."

"Is it possible for us to be girlfriend and girlfriend?" Alex asked hopefully.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Alex," Olivia said and kissed her on the cheek. "We will be in time. I want to do this the right way. I've never liked someone the way I like you and I want everything to be perfect. Well, as perfect as it can be…"

"…for two girls?" Alex interrupted. "Olivia, what are we doing? This isn't normal."

"I don't care," Olivia admitted. "Who needs normal?"

_Who needs normal?_ Alex thought. _I deserve to be happy for once. _She wanted to tell Olivia that she didn't need normal, either, but instead she decided to show her. While looking into Olivia's beautiful brown eyes, her mind was made up. Alex leaned in and pressed her lips to Olivia's. It seemed like an innocent kiss, but it forever changed Alex. While kissing Olivia, Alex forgot all about Thomas and her friends and the pressure that her parents put on her to be perfect.

"Say something," Alex insisted once Olivia had pulled away.

"I don't know what to say," Olivia admitted. She couldn't stop smiling as she sank down in the passenger seat.

"It was perfect," Alex told her. "I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for this."

"If you think that was perfect, wait'll I slip you the tongue," Olivia teased.

"When can we do that?" Alex asked eagerly. "Can we do that now?"

Olivia couldn't help laughing. "Alex, calm down."

"I'm sorry," Alex said, joining Olivia in her laughing fit. "I should be going now. I'm going to be late for my lunch date."

"With Thomas?" Olivia asked worriedly.

"With my mom," Alex quickly responded. "I'm breaking up with Thomas in front of all the jocks next week. I want to make him feel as embarrassed and betrayed as he made me feel."

Although she wouldn't admit it to Alex, Olivia was feeling relieved. "Alex, what are you doing later?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"Casey is having a sleepover for her seventeenth birthday tonight," Olivia informed her. "Do you want to go?"

"Is Casey okay with that?" Alex asked.

"She will be," Olivia shrugged, although she wasn't quite sure.

"I'll be there," Alex promised. She drove away feeling as if everything was finally going to be okay for her. She had kissed Olivia and before the night was through, she was going to kiss Olivia again.


	13. Daydream Believer

After kissing Alex, Olivia had wanted to feel as if her world was complete, but she knew that was far from the truth. She was able to lose herself in the moment shortly after the kiss, but reality start to hit her the moment Alex left. _Olivia, you kissed a girl, not just any girl, you kissed Alex. What will become of this? What will you tell Gram and Gramps? What if people at school find out? What if she breaks your heart, Olivia?_

She looked at the clock and realized it was time to head over to Casey's house. She was going to get a ride from Abbie, but Casey's house wasn't too far and she figured taking a walk would do her some good. Besides, Olivia had something she wanted to explain to Casey and she knew she had to do it before Abbie arrived with Alex. Alex wasn't thrilled about getting a ride with Abbie, but she figured it would be less awkward than arriving on her own.

Olivia walked the three blocks over to Casey's house and wasn't surprised to see her kissing Tony near his car.

"Hey, lovebirds!" Olivia called out.

"Go hey yourself," Tony responded, his hands on both sides of Casey's waist.

"Don't mind him," Casey told her friend. "He was just _leaving_."

"I was?" Tony asked, pretending to be confused.

"Yeah," Casey said and playfully bit his earlobe. "You've had me the entire afternoon, more than even my own family."

"Until we meet again, my lady," Tony said after kissing her on her hand.

"Shut up and get in the car," Casey scoffed. "And drop the knight-in-shining armor act. No one believes it."

"You mean I can take off this fancy shirt and stop being a gentleman?" Tony asked. "I've been waiting all day to do that. Now we can go back to being us."

"And I can finally take off this dress," Casey told him.

"I can help you with that, babe."

"You always do," Casey said and winked at him.

Once Tony was gone, Casey finally focused her attention on Olivia. Olivia tried not to be nervous, but she just couldn't help herself. Her voice was starting to shake and she wasn't sure if inviting Alex was the right thing to do.

"I invited someone," Olivia told her although that wasn't the most important part of their conversation.

"Who?" Casey asked. "No boys, Olivia. You know I'll get in trouble."

"Not a boy," Olivia reassured her. "I invited another girl. I—I invited Alex."

"You invited Alex Cabot?" Casey asked in disbelief. "Why would you do such a thing? We don't even like her."

"I like her," Olivia said sheepishly.

"Since when do you want to be friends with her?" Casey asked. "And why? What do you two even have in common?"

It was now or never for Olivia and, although she wasn't prepared for what the outcome might be, she couldn't keep Casey in the dark any longer.

"I _like _her, Casey. I like her the way you like Tony."

"…oh," Casey said hesitantly. "Oh!"

"Casey, please tell me you're okay with it."

"I don't know," Casey said and averted her eyes. "That's so gross, Olivia!"

"I can leave if you want me to," Olivia insisted. "I know you might need time to think."

"No, don't leave," Casey told her. "It's just so gross! I mean, _Alex_? Of all the women in the world, you have a crush on Alex. Can't you just have a crush on Brigitte Bardot or Jayne Mansfield like Abbie and I do?"

"That's what this is about?" Olivia asked, confused.

"Or we could find you a beautiful girl from NYU who writes poetry that could rival Bob Dylan and wears a beret," Casey said, completely ignoring Olivia's question. "Oh, Olivia, why Alex? Why? She's such a drag."

"She's not a drag," Olivia said defensively. "She's kind of like us, in a way."

"How?" Casey asked.

"She's a Coquette, but she doesn't think like them," Olivia pointed out. "Underneath that preppy exterior is an outcast, just like us. You just have to get to know her."

"What does Abbie have to say about this?" Casey asked.

"She's okay with it," Olivia told her. "She wants me to be with Alex."

"Was she high at the time?" Casey asked. "You know how LSD disturbs her thought process. Yesterday, she spent twenty minutes trying to kill a spider that wasn't even there. She said it talked to her, Olivia. Not just talked to her; she said it insulted her honor."

"Can we not talk about that?" Olivia snapped. "You know how I feel about what she's doing."

"You don't think I'm worried about her, too?" Casey asked defensively. "But what can we do, Liv? She doesn't listen to reason."

"It's all such a waste," Olivia told her. "All of it. Abbie can do anything and everything with her life, but she's so caught up in this fucking drug. And your brother—your brother, Casey. We thought he was going to be the next Babe Ruth."

"But, instead, he's fighting in some god-forsaken jungle halfway across the world?" Casey pointed out. "Yeah, don't remind me."

"I want him home," Olivia admitted. "It seems like everything was better when Gary was here. We all looked up to him, even Elliot did and he didn't mind having a bunch of kids tagging along."

"We're not exactly kids," Casey pointed out. "He's only two years older than us and one year older than Elliot."

"But still," Olivia told her. "He always seemed so mature and so with it. I remember him working on his Impala in the driveway and Abbie would stare at him for hours on end. She'd even bring him lemonade that she made herself whenever he was thirsty. Remember that time he kissed her on the cheek? She was practically glowing the entire day."

"Yeah, but then he asked Denise to the homecoming dance," Casey reminded her. "Then she cried for almost a week."

"The days when Abbie was actually a virgin," Olivia said jokingly. "That seems like a lifetime ago."

"Because it was," Casey pointed out. "Nothing's the same and it will never be the same."

"What if it's better than before?" Olivia asked, trying to be optimistic.

"I don't know," Casey sighed. "Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"I've always known you were different," Casey began. "It's okay, Olivia. I'll even set aside my feelings about Alex. If you like her, I'll give her a chance. You've always been a good judge of character. I mean, you're friends with me and Abbie. That speaks highly of you."

"Case?"

"Hmm?"

"Happy birthday," Olivia said and gave her a hug.

"You should stop hugging me before Alex sees you," Casey teased. "What if she gets jealous?"

Olivia squeezed her tightly in retaliation. Her two best girl friends were accepting of her. The only thing left to do was tell Elliot.

Abbie and Alex pulled into Casey's driveway a few minutes later to find Casey and Olivia talking to each other outside. From the look on Casey's face, Alex assumed everything was going to be okay. She had been worrying about this sleepover since the moment Olivia invited her and she knew it was going to be different from the sleepovers she had with her friends, but she didn't mind anymore. She knew Olivia, Casey, and Abbie were different and she was now excited to find out exactly how different this sleepover was going to be.

"Liv!" Alex said excitedly the moment she saw her.

"Watch out," Abbie warned Olivia. "The girl is already calling you by your nickname. She has you by the nuts and she hasn't even put out yet."

"Abbie!" Casey said in disgust. "You're so vulgar. C'mon, let's go inside and give these lovebirds some privacy."

"Okay," Abbie agreed and tossed her keys to Olivia. "You two can use my backseat if you want."

"For what?" Alex asked and regretted her question once she saw Abbie and Casey roll their eyes at her.

"Poor Olivia," Casey sighed. "She'll probably die a virgin if she stays with Alex."

"At least get to second base!" Abbie shouted to them before Casey rushed her inside.

When Casey and Abbie were finally inside, Alex and Olivia hurried to the backseat of Abbie's T-bird. Neither of them had any intentions of getting to second base as Abbie had suggested, but all they really wanted was to be alone with each other. Olivia grabbed Alex's hand and lifted it up to her lips. Before kissing it, she took in the scent of Alex's lotion. _Cherry almond_, Olivia thought. _She smells so sweet and she looks so beautiful._

"How was the drive over here?" Olivia asked.

"Not too bad," Alex said and smiled at her. "Abbie and I are okay. Did you tell Casey?"

"She's okay with it," Olivia informed her. "Alex, this is really happening. Can you believe it? How lucky are we?"

"Lucky to have found each other?" Alex asked. "Extremely. I'm just worried."

"Why?" Olivia asked.

"Think about it," Alex insisted. "Abbie and Casey are okay with it, but what about everyone else? What about my parents and your grandparents? What about my friends? I'll lose everyone."

Olivia knew Alex's worries were justified, but she was so lost in the moment that she didn't want to pay any mind to the reality of their situation. "Alex," she began. "We're seniors. We'll be in college next year and none of this will matter. We'll be liberated, in a way."

"Maybe you're right," Alex told her although she still wasn't sure. "We just have to keep our feelings a secret until we're in college. Once we're in college, nobody can tell us what to do. We'll be adults, Olivia."

"We'll be adults and our lives will be perfect," Olivia added.

Alex looked at her with so much hope and adoration in her eyes and all Olivia wanted to do was kiss her and hope that a single kiss would ease all of her worries. Olivia's lips were centimeters away from Alex's and Alex must have sensed her nervousness because she took the initiative yet again. Their second kiss was just as perfect as their first and Alex knew each kiss would feel that way. She wanted to kiss her again to test this theory of hers, but the two of them were interrupted by Abbie and Casey knocking on the windows.

"Her bra clasp is on her back," Abbie told Olivia. "Why are you wasting time holding hands?"

"Stop!" Olivia said and started blushing. She knew she should expect awkward situations with friends like Abbie and Casey, but she had no idea just how bad it was going to be.

"Are they always like this?" Alex asked and all Olivia could do was nod.

Olivia might have been embarrassed, but Alex couldn't stop herself from laughing. She was excited about spending time with these three girls and she hoped, more than anything, that they would adopt her into their little circle.


	14. For What It's Worth

All four of the girls walked into the Novak residence to find Mrs. Novak arranging little sandwiches on a plate for them. Next to the sandwiches were chips and dip and a bowl of fruit punch complete with slices of oranges and strawberries inside. Mrs. Novak came from a different generation—a softer generation as the girls like to call it, but they admired everything she did for her family. The Novaks were what Abbie and Olivia considered a normal family or a "nuclear" family as some people like to put it. They were a picture of Americana—a military family headed by a father who was a World War II veteran and a mother who stayed at home to tend to her children and her husband. There were four children: Nineteen-year-old Gary, who was fighting in Vietnam, seventeen-year-old Casey who had a 4.0 GPA and a promise ring on her finger, twelve-year-old Margaret whose ambition was to be a doctor, and ten-year-old Johnny the all-star pitcher on his little league team. Everything about their family was perfect—her parents loved each other, all four kids got along well, and, although they were far from wealthy, Mr. Novak made enough money to support his family and send Casey to college. Olivia loved her grandma and grandpa, but sometimes she couldn't help envying Casey.

"I love your little sandwiches, Mrs. Novak," Abbie said excitedly as she grabbed two of them from the plate.

"I know you do, Abigail," Mrs. Novak laughed. "Why do you think I made more this time?"

"You know what, Mrs. Novak? You're the best mom ever," Abbie began. "If I had a mom like you, I'd probably be a decent human being, but I guess we'll never know."

"What are you talking about?" Mrs. Novak said and gave her a hug. "You're an angel."

Upon hearing that, Olivia started choking on her punch. _Oh, how she has them all so deceived._

"Casey, where are your manners?" Mrs. Novak asked. "Who is this lovely young woman?"

"I'm Alex," Alex said as she extended her hand. "I'm very pleased to meet you."

"Casey, I like this one," Mrs. Novak said and smiled at Alex. "Alex, you're so well-mannered. I can tell you don't spend much time with these three. They're only well-mannered when they're up to something."

"Mom," Casey groaned. "Can we go to my room now?"

"Not yet," Mrs. Novak said and made her daughter sit down. "Let's have a wrapping session."

"You mean a rap session," Casey snickered. "Oh, Mom. You're not with it, but we love you anyway."

"Yeah," Olivia agreed.

"Oh, you girls are getting so big now," Mrs. Novak said sadly.

"It's because we eat our vegetables," Abbie responded as she stuffed another sandwich in her mouth.

"Tell me about yourself, Alex," Mrs. Novak insisted. It was the moment Alex had been dreading and she knew there was no getting out of it.

"Well, I'm a cheerleader," Alex began. "I get good grades. I—"

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Mrs. Novak asked.

"I do," Alex responded nervously. "His name is Thomas Harrington. He's on the football team." Just the sound of his name made Olivia want to cringe, but she knew Alex was just as unhappy with this topic as she was.

"Darn," Mrs. Novak said and gently smacked the table. "I was hoping to set you up with my eldest son Gary."

"Gary is _mine_, Mrs. Novak," Abbie insisted. "Remember? He just doesn't know it yet."

"Okay, Abigail," Mrs. Novak said to humor her. "I'll let you girls go to the room now. We already took her to lunch this afternoon. The night belongs to her friends."

"Thank you, Mrs. Novak," Olivia said as the four of them took the snacks to Casey's room.

"I like your mom," Alex told her. "She's so genuinely sweet."

"And so different from the women on our block," Abbie told Alex. "Your mom is a major snob, Alex."

"My mom is nice," Alex said defensively.

"Alex, it's cool," Abbie said, attempting to calm her down. "Your mom is a snob. My mom is a snob. Your friend's moms are snobs. I see Joyce, Carol, and Beverly being just like their moms when they grow up, but you and I are different, Alex."

"Please don't place us in the same category," Alex said and rolled her eyes at her.

"You're such a bitch," Abbie responded as she took out a pack of cigarettes from her purse. "I just might like you after all."

"Abbie, no smoking," Casey whispered. "My parents hate cigarette smoke in the house."

"C'mon, Case," Abbie groaned when she put the cigarettes back in her purse. "No smoking, no drinking, no guys. Am I at a sleepover or a convent?"

Casey was becoming frustrated with her and there was only so much she could take before she knew she'd snap. "Fine, you can drink, but no smoking because the smoke is obvious. Drinking you can hide."

"Let's play hot seat," Olivia suggested to ease the tension.

"What's hot seat?" Alex asked, intrigued. She didn't realize it had happened, but she had gone from sitting two feet away from Olivia to being just inches away from her. She could smell Olivia's perfume and, in that moment, all she wanted was to be alone with Olivia.

"It's a game that we usually play at our sleepovers," Casey informed her.

"It's really fun," Olivia added. "We take turns sitting in a chair in front of everyone and while you're in that chair, everyone can ask you any question they want and you have to answer truthfully."

"Sounds fun," Alex said excitedly. She couldn't wait for Olivia to be in the hot seat. There was something about a smiling, bashful Olivia that made Alex's heart melt.

"The birthday girl should go first," Olivia suggested.

"No way," Casey told her. "Alex should go first. She's new and we need to initiate her."

"I'll go," Alex volunteered, hoping it would score some points with Olivia. When Olivia squeezed her hand, Alex knew she had made the right decision.

'You have five minutes," Casey informed her. "And keep in mind we're going to fire questions at you. It's not exactly organized. And you can't answer a question with a question."

"I think I can manage," Alex insisted.

"How far do you want to get with Olivia tonight?" Casey asked.

"That's inappropriate," Alex snapped back.

"You have to answer it," Abbie insisted as she took a drink from a bottle of Bacardi.

"No," Alex blushed.

"Pollyanna here is fucking boring," Abbie told them. "Let a pro show her how it's done." Without so much as another word, she scooted Alex off the chair and prepared for her friends' questions.

"How many men have you slept with?" Alex asked in an attempt at throwing her for a loop.

"That question is off limits," Olivia pointed out. "It stumps her, so you have to be more specific."

"How many men did you sleep with at the Haight?" Alex asked.

"31," Abbie said matter-of-factly.

"Why did you have sex with Thomas?" Alex asked.

"He was there and I hated you. End of story."

"Why did you lie to me about it when the three of us were together?" Alex asked.

"Like I said, he was there and I hated you."

"Do you get some sort of pleasure out of sleeping with other girls' boyfriends?" Alex asked, not caring that she was taking up most of the time.

"Yeah," Abbie scoffed. "But only the girls who deserve it."

"Who deserves it?" Alex asked angrily.

"Oh, you know," Abbie said happily. "You, Joyce, Carol, Beverly. I've slept with their boyfriends, too."

"Are you jealous of us?" Alex asked, glaring at her.

"No," Abbie responded. "I'm not jealous of you. That's how you Coquettes are. You think everyone is jealous of you, but we all hate you."

"Umm…time is up," Casey announced. It had been far less than five minutes, but she couldn't handle the tension any longer.

"I don't think we should play anymore," Olivia cut in. "Alex, let's go outside."

"Why?" Alex asked.

"To make out," Abbie said as she nudged her with her elbow. "Don't you know _anything_?"

"Stop," Olivia insisted. Casey wasn't the only one frustrated with Abbie and, although Alex had asked the questions, Olivia felt as if her actions were justified.

"Liv, what are we doing out here?" Alex asked when they were inside Abbie's car. "Are we really going to make out? I don't think I'm ready for that. I really like you, but—"

"Alex, Alex, calm down," Olivia said and gently squeezed her hand. "I just want to talk to you. I'm sorry about Abbie and I'm sorry about what she did with Thomas. She had no right to do that and she also had no right to sleep with your friends' boyfriends. I don't like your friends, but I don't wish that on anyone."

"Liv, it's okay," Alex insisted. "I'm angry with her, _extremely _angry with her, but that isn't going to effect how I feel about you. You're nothing like her and neither is Casey. Why are you friends with her, Liv? She does nothing but break you down and you spend half of your time defending her."

"She's my best friend," Olivia said defensively. "And she's been my best friend since kindergarten. Believe it or not, but she wasn't always like this. She was once sweet and innocent."

"We all were," Alex added. "Liv, you're defending her again. Even Casey is fed up with her."

"I know," Olivia sighed.

"I can't be around her," Alex said sadly. "I think I should leave, Olivia."

"Don't!" Olivia insisted.

"I need to," Alex responded. "Liv, it has nothing to do with us, okay? I really like you and nothing is going to change that."

"Go to Lizzie's with me next weekend?" Olivia quickly blurted out.

"Like a date?" Alex asked.

"Yeah."

"I have a better idea," Alex said and smiled at her. "Go to the city with me. There's someone I want you to meet."

"Suzie Q?" Olivia asked and Alex nodded. "I get to meet your sister?"

"She'd love you," Alex insisted. "Will you visit her with me?"

"There's nothing else I'd rather do," Olivia smiled. When she saw Alex smile at her in return, she just couldn't help herself. She leaned in and kissed Alex on the lips. Alex didn't object and she didn't pull away like Olivia had worried she would. _Alex Cabot is mine and I can kiss her any time I want. _That sudden realization made Olivia smile even more.

Olivia drove Alex home in Abbie's car without telling Abbie. There was a goodbye kiss on the lips followed by another goodbye kiss on the cheek, both of which Olivia wished would never end. She was becoming more into Alex with each passing moment, but she knew something would have to be done about her best friend if she wanted to have any kind of life with Alex.

"Abbie, what the _hell _is wrong with you?" Olivia asked once she had stormed into Casey's room.

"Where's Pollyanna?" Abbie responded.

Olivia just glared at her. "She's gone. I took her home because you made her uncomfortable."

Abbie took another drink from her bottle of Bacardi. "Good riddance."

"Abbie, please!" Olivia said, frustrated. "You know how much she means to me."

Abbie started laughing. "She's the one who asked the questions. All I did was answer truthfully like I'm supposed to. It's not my fault she didn't like the answers."

Olivia was feeling a plethora of emotions. She was angry. She wanted to cry. She wanted to slap Abbie. She wanted to do _something_, but Mr. Novak opened the door with a confused look on his face.

"Girls," he began.

"Yes, Daddy?" Casey asked.

Mr. Novak scratched his head. "There's some dirty hippie standing in my yard. Casey, I know he's not here for you. That leaves Abbie and Olivia."

"He's here for me," Abbie told Mr. Novak. "I'll be out there right now."

"Is it Mark?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah. So?" Abbie responded.

"So?" Olivia mimicked. "So? Abbie, he got you hooked on drugs. He's using you. Why can't you see that? They all use you and you let them."

"Big fucking deal," Abbie said as she packed her belongings. "I have to get out of here. You two are so boring. Maybe you should live a little."

"Just get out," Casey insisted. "Please. The sooner you leave, the better. Thanks for ruining my birthday."

Casey and Olivia sat in silence for a few minutes once Abbie had left. What was supposed to be a night of fun had left them feeling more confused than ever before.


	15. White Rabbit

**A/N: Thanks for all of the feedback, everyone. It's really helping me shape the next few chapters. :)**

Olivia sat down in her trigonometry class and noticed the empty seat next to her, the seat that was always taken by Abbie. Olivia had received a phone call from Mrs. Carmichael the night before asking if she knew where Abbie was and that's when it dawned on her that Abbie had never gone home after meeting Mark. Nobody had heard from her, but Olivia knew who she was with. She decided to tell Mrs. Carmichael that she was with her and Casey and Mrs. Carmichael bought the entire story, not that it surprised Olivia. Mrs. Carmichael didn't care all that much about her daughter and Olivia couldn't believe she had even called asking for her daughter.

Mrs. Warner, their math teacher, was about to start class when Abbie came barging in the door with a somewhat wilted daisy chain in her hair.

"How nice of you to drop by, Abigail," Mrs. Warner said sarcastically.

"I forgot it was Monday," Abbie told her. "I lost track of time."

"Take those flowers out of your hair," Mrs. Warner ordered her. "You know I don't allow any hippie paraphernalia in my classroom."

"Paraphernalia?" Abbie asked in a shocked tone of voice. "This is my life, not some trend. You know what your problem is, Mrs. Warner? You're working for the man and you're training all of us, the youth of America, to work for the man. There's so much beauty in the world, beauty and free love. We shouldn't be restrained."

"Abigail!" Mrs. Warner yelled. "I will not have you talk to me with such disrespect."

"If I can't speak my mind, I'm leaving," Abbie said and got up. She slammed the door behind her, which made several of the girls jump in their seats.

"I'll go talk to her, ma'am," Olivia told their teacher as she left her seat to follow Abbie.

Olivia found her sitting in the grass just outside their school. The early October weather was chilly, but Abbie wasn't wearing a jacket or anything other than a short dress. Now that she wasn't wearing her usual school clothes, Olivia could see that she had lost a lot of weight. She had always been thin, but her bones were now protruding more than ever before. Casey and Olivia had once thought Abbie could be the next Twiggy—the next It Girl—but her looks had started to fade ever since she started using drugs.

When Olivia approached her, Abbie started screaming at her. "Get away from me, Olivia!"

"Abbie, what the hell are you doing to yourself?" Olivia asked once she looked at Abbie's arm. There were little drops of blood pooling at the surface and Olivia knew those wounds were self-inflicted.

"They were attacking me," Abbie said frantically.

"Who or what was attacking you?" Olivia asked.

"The bats," Abbie told her. "They were biting my arm."

"Abbie, there aren't any bats here," Olivia pointed out. After hearing that, she tried to do everything she could to stop herself from crying. Her best friend was so far gone and she had no idea what to do. She held Abbie close to her, or, more like restrained Abbie to keep her from digging into her own skin. Regardless of how hard she tried not to, Olivia began crying into Abbie's hair.

Olivia looked at her watch and noticed twenty minutes had passed. Mrs. Warner was probably expecting her, but at that moment Olivia didn't care about school. The new drugs that some young people were experimenting with were foreign to most adults and even most young people, including Olivia. She had seen Abbie on one her "trips" before, but this was unlike anything Olivia had ever seen. She practically had to fight Abbie for her car keys, but once she had them, she held Abbie's hand as they walked to her car. Most adults were unfamiliar with drugs, but Olivia knew this didn't apply to police officers like Mr. Stabler, Elliot's father. Knowing she didn't have time to spare, Olivia drove to the Stabler residence.

"Liv," Elliot said with a surprised look on his face when he answered the door. "Shouldn't you be at school? You're such a hooligan now."

"This isn't the time to make jokes," Olivia said frantically. "Is your dad here?"

"Yeah, it's his day off," Elliot said nonchalantly. "Liv, what's wrong?"

"El, I need you to help me," Olivia told him as she started crying. "I need you to get Abbie out of the car. She's passed out and I can't lift her."

Without asking any further questions, Elliot hurried to the car and lifted Abbie from the passenger seat. She was dead weight, but Elliot was the strongest person Olivia knew, so he had no trouble getting her out. Olivia held the front door open and they quickly made their way to Elliot's bed. He carefully laid Abbie down and they were pleasantly surprised to see that her eyes opened. It wasn't much, but it was a small victory for them.

"Hey, Pop!" Elliot called out.

"Mr. Stabler!" Olivia joined.

"What's the commotion?" he asked once he entered the room. "Abbie? What happened to her?"

"She's on drugs," Olivia blurted out. "I don't know which one. I've seen her high before but never like this. She was gone all weekend with some hippie and she came to school like this. She's been picking at her skin and she's been full of rage and she—"

"Liv, it's okay," Elliot said as he held her. "Abbie is going to be okay."

"I don't know what to do," Olivia admitted. "I feel like I'm losing her—like we've already lost her."

"Olivia, you sit on the chair at Elliot's desk," Mr. Stabler ordered. "Elliot, stay with me in case we have to hold her down. She's little, but I've seen girls smaller than her who have near superhuman strength while on these drugs."

"Get me out of here!" Abbie shouted. "I hate you, Olivia! Why are you doing this to me?"

"Abbie, sweetheart," Mr. Stabler said to calm her down. He had known this girl since she was five and he couldn't believe what was happening. "What did you take?"

"Nothing!" Abbie shouted.

"Abbie, we need you to tell us," Elliot insisted.

"We love you," Olivia added. "We just want to help you. Do it for me?"

"I hate you!" Abbie shouted at her. "I hate all of you!"

"Abigail!" Mr. Stabler said forcefully. "What did you take?"

"I—I don't know," Abbie stammered. "Mark gave it to me."

"Who is Mark?" Mr. Stabler asked.

"Some guy she's been shacking up with every now and then. He's twenty-nine," Olivia said, averting her eyes. "She met him when she ran away to San Francisco this summer."

"What did it look like?" Mr. Stabler asked Abbie. "What did the drug look like?"

"It was a pill," Abbie responded, trying to remember. "A yellow pill."

"PCP," Mr. Stabler told Elliot and Olivia. "That mother fu…that asshole gave a seventeen-year-old girl PCP."

"What's that?" Olivia asked.

"It's a hallucinogen," Mr. Stabler answered.

"Is it worse than LSD?" Olivia asked. "Is there anything we can do for her?"

Before he could answer her, Abbie's body started to convulse.

"What's happening?" Olivia asked frantically. "Abbie!"

"She's having a seizure," Mr. Stabler responded. Hearing those words made Olivia sink down into her chair.

The next few minutes seemed like seconds to Olivia. Everything was such a blur for her. Abbie was taken to the emergency room and, although Mr. and Mrs. Carmichael were called, they were in no hurry to see their daughter. Elliot, Mr. Stabler, and Olivia stayed in the waiting room, hoping for an update on Abbie's condition. Elliot's girlfriend Kathy soon arrived as did Mrs. Novak, but there was still no sign of Abbie's parents, the only people who could actually go in and visit her.

* * *

Alex took a seat at her usual lunch table, next to the same people she sat with everyday. Their conversations were nothing exciting or even anything new and she felt as if she was living the same day over and over again. Nothing changed with these people, but she knew _she _had changed the moment she kissed Olivia. Ever since that kiss, Olivia was all she could think about. She looked at the group of twelve she was sitting with, her three best friends were there along with eight other Coquettes and the four Coquettes-in-training who were proudly displaying their future member pins. Carol was going on about her boyfriend and Beverly was flirting with hers although he was at another table with the other football players. _You're all living a lie_, Alex thought as she continued to scan her table. All four of their boyfriends had cheated and neither of them had any intentions of telling their girlfriends. The knowledge of their infidelity was too much for Alex. She got up from their table and approached her boyfriend.

"Thomas, we need to talk," Alex said sternly.

"Whoa," Joyce's boyfriend said. "Nothing good is ever followed by a chick saying that."

"Lemme settle this girl," Thomas said to his guys. "I'll be back in a few seconds."

"A few seconds?" Alex asked when they were alone outside of the cafeteria. "Is that all you think it'll take to fix our relationship?"

"What's wrong with you?" Thomas asked. "You're like a different person now. I miss the girlfriend I used to have. I liked you when you would cheer me on at games and go on dates with me."

"In other words, you like trivial bullshit," Alex pointed out. "I'm growing up, Thomas, and we're growing apart. My world is bigger than the confines of this school and Lizzie's diner and the drive-in."

"Come here," Thomas said as he tried to hold her.

"I know you cheated," Alex said calmly. "I know you lost your virginity to Abbie. I know all three of my best friends have been cheated on. I know we're all living a lie and I won't stand for it. I can't be with you anymore. This will probably jeopardize my chances of winning Homecoming queen, but I don't care. None of that really matters to me anymore. There's life outside of high school and I'm not going to waste another second being your girlfriend."

"Alex, we can work this out," Thomas pleaded. "You and I are supposed to get married someday."

Alex was disgusted. "You think I'd marry you? You can't even be faithful to me in high school. Imagine what you would be like if we were married."

"You're going to regret this," Thomas warned her. "Wait'll your friends find out we broke up."

"They aren't my real friends," Alex told him as she thought about Olivia.

Alex felt confined, so she decided to go outside for the remainder of the lunch period. As soon as she opened the door, she saw Casey leaning against the wall. Alex knew they weren't the best of friends, but she felt compelled to talk to her.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked when she noticed Casey wipe away her tears.

"It's Abbie," Casey told her.

"Oh," Alex responded. "What did she do this time?"

"Aren't _you _a decent human being," Casey said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry," Alex said as she got closer to her. "Abbie and I have a rocky relationship if you haven't noticed."

"She's in the hospital," Casey blurted out. "My mom called the office awhile ago. I'm supposed to go directly over there after school, but I wish I didn't have to wait that long."

"You don't," Alex told her. She imagined Olivia being in the waiting room, crying her eyes out. Just the thought of Olivia crying made Alex want to cry as well. "We'll take my car and go right now."

"But we have class," Casey reminded her.

"What's more important?" Alex asked. "Two class periods or being there for your best friend?"

"You're right," Casey agreed. Alex was about to leave school with someone who wasn't a Coquette, a cheerleader, or a jock, but she didn't care. Olivia needed her and that's all that mattered. There would also be repercussions for breaking up with Thomas, but Alex wasn't worried about that—at least not at that moment.

When they arrived at the hospital, Alex was surprised that Mr. and Mrs. Carmichael weren't there. Casey grabbed her by the hand and led her over to everyone so they could find out what had happened. Alex was going to introduce herself to Mr. Stabler and Kathy, but she wondered if that was appropriate during a time like this. She wasn't a friend of Abbie's, so what should she introduce herself as?

"Alex!" Olivia said before she could even decide if she should introduce herself. When Olivia made her way over to her, Alex felt her heart sink. Olivia had been crying—she knew she would be—but there was something about actually _seeing _Olivia cry that broke Alex's heart. She wanted to kiss all of her tears away, but she knew she couldn't do that in front of everyone.

"My girl," Alex whispered into her ear as she hugged her. "I'll always be here for you."


End file.
